TV Star?

I think not. But it was a fun experience to be interviewed by Lauren Scala from NBC for a small piece they did about me and my family last Saturday.  I spent about 4 hours with Lauren and her camera man talking, joking, getting to know them while they got to know me.  The end result is the video that you can see HERE.

All in all I think Lauren did a great job cutting down 4 hours of video into the 2 minute time frame that they gave her to work with.  I shot Lauren an e-mail after seeing the piece to thank her for taking the time to talk to me and highlighting my family’s story.  Her response helped me to solidify what an amazing person she is.  She had expressed that she mulled over hours of tape trying to cut it down and still felt like she didn’t do my story justice. This showed me that this piece came from her heart and it meant something to her. It wasn’t just another segment.  To have an affect on even just her makes me happy.

I have a very hard time telling my story. I’m sure you wouldn’t think that by all the recent speaking and interviews I have been doing, but days after I give an interview I am sad and feel off.  It’s not easy to have to relive the worst years of my life. In just a few moments I can be transported back to that time and have the emotions I felt rush over me and settle deep into my bones where they will camp out for days.  When I went to bed that night I had a hell of a time trying to go to sleep.  I was completely restless and my mind just wouldn’t settle.  I couldn’t stop thinking about and reliving  the days up to losing my sister, losing her, her funeral and going through my treatments. I ended up waking Kevin bawling my eyes out asking him to help me.  Poor Kevin had no idea what to do so he just hugged me and played with my hair trying to get me to calm down.  I ended up calling my mom and was told to take something to help me to sleep, which I did. I slept, but not very well. And the next few days just plain sucked.

Knowing how affected I am I know it must be just as hard on my family when I ask them to do interviews with me or ask them to take part at different breast cancer events.  And yet they still do and give as much as then can to support me. And for that I am thankful and extremely appreciative.

Maybe it will get better over time.  I’m not sure.  I thought talking about it more would help but it hasn’t seem to so far. However I don’t want to stop giving interviews and doing speaking engagements because even though I may have a rough few days it makes it all worth it to know that maybe, just maybe I have helped a young woman take control of her health. And maybe I made a doctor stop and give a 2nd thought before dismissing or ignoring a young woman the next time she points to a spot in her breast and says, “I feel a lump right here”.

On another note, I had recently given an interview to The Other Paper.  A newspaper based in Columbus, Ohio.  They focused on the damage chemo can do to a young woman’s ovaries putting her fertility in jeopardy.  They write about the amazing Anna, my Wonder Twin, and my journey with fertility issues, the paths we took and the decisions we made. You can read it HERE!

I can not stress enough the importance of speaking out, and advocating for young woman to fight for their health, for their dreams and for taking the power back from cancer. I know it may seem or feel hard to do when you are going through the scariest time of your life. I know you can’t imagine having to think beyond, “I have cancer, am I going to die?”.  But that’s why The Young Survival Coalition and the women who share their stories are so important. It helps give you hope again and to get beyond all the gray days to the sun again, and to the life you deserve and will live.

Love Love Love!

 

 

 

Tour de Pink

So it has been a few weeks since I embarked on one of the most fantastic, inspiring and humbling adventures of my life. In the beginning of October I took part in Young Survival Coalition Tour de Pink, sponsored by Hershey Chocolate and Giant Bikes. If you have been following my blog you will know that I’ve been training for this ride for the past several months and that I had been extremely nervous to take on such a major ride.

You see, Tour de Pink is a 3 day, 230+ mile bike ride from Hershey, PA to NYC! And it is not an easy ride on flat, paved, smooth, car-less roads.  It is an incredibly difficult ride that tests not only your physical strength but mostly that of your emotional. Over 200 men and women took part on this journey together. 50 of them survivors. 1 of them was me.

DAY 1

My brother (in-law) Jeff rode Day 1 of the ride with me.  The first day is considered the hardest, the longest and most challenging.  We were up at 6am, getting last-minute instructions, going over our cue sheet and bikes. I was settling my nerves. My mom and Kevin joined us as volunteers who helped out at the rest stops to cheer the riders on and to make sure we ate and got back on the road quickly. I had a great team there for me. I was also surround by some of my nearest and dearest friends and my Young Survival Coalition family.

9am, the gun sounds and off we go.  Through the town of Hershey and on our way to King of Prussia. We rode through quaint little towns, sharing the road with cars and the horse-drawn carriages of the Amish.  The views were amazing! From beautiful wood covered bridges to large open fields. Many times I found myself lost in thought as I pushed my body forward. Jeff helped to pace me that first day.  The hills were brutal. And you had to reach each rest stop by a certain time or the SAG Wagon would pick you up and shuttle you to the next stop.  I had told Jeff that I was determined to do the full ride and NOT get SAGed.  So he kept our pace up and pushed me and coached me to go further.  I cursed the hills, I cursed him, A LOT, and I referred to him as the Bike Nazi. He was going to help make sure I completed Day 1, there was no other option.

As you ride you talk to and meet other amazing people who you are taking this awesome adventure with. You hear their stories and how they have been affected by breast cancer or how they just want to support a great cause.  And you all push and encourage one another along to keep going.  I can’t tell you how many times seasoned veterans of the TDP would come rolling past me and would shout out to me “Keep going Jamie, You got this girl!” or “Don’t give up Jamie, you’re almost there!”.  It brings tears to my eyes as I think of it now.  All these strangers cheering for me, yelling out to me, lifting me and no longer being strangers but becoming my friends.

So on I pushed. Jeff “yelling” at me. Helping me work my gears and get my cadence together. Calling out to ‘Drink you’re water! And don’t forget to eat!”. The first day is 93 miles! Let’s say that again. The first day is 93 MILES! OF HILLS! And by the time I got to the 78th mile and had to climb a 4 mile hill I was ready to call it quits.  I was looking everywhere for that damn SAG wagon. But it was no where. Jeff and I stopped briefly so I could take a breather and get some more water in me.  I sat there trying to fight back tears.  I kept telling myself I was wasting perfectly good hydration by crying and I needed to knock it off. Back on our bikes we went.  Me cursing and Jeff pushing me to keep going.  And together we kept going.  And it felt like we kept going forever. By the time I hit Valley Forge I finally had my break down.  I was crying and yelling at myself and there was Jeff, calm and cool and telling me that we were gonna get through it and make it to the end and we only had a bit further to go.  So we kept going. And soon we hit King of Prussia. A few miles later we were turning into the hotel parking lot and then there it was. The End! People were cheering and yelling for us.  I looked at Jeff and he reached his hand out to give me a fist bump. “You did it! Day 1 is done!” And I did.

That night I took a long bath before going to dinner where I proceeded to chow down like a ravenous fiend.  Jeff left because he needed to take JP to his soccer game but mom and Kev were still there, like always.  After dinner the YSC acknowledge the Hershey Team who helped to put TDP together then acknowledge GIANT Bicycle for all their efforts, including donating 20 bikes to survivors that were riding. I was the lucky recipient of one myself.  Then it was my turn. I was asked to tell my story, to bring a fresh reminder and face as to why this ride is done every year.  I had planned to think of something to say while riding that day but all could think about was getting up the next damn hill.  So that’s what I started with, “How about those damn hills?”. I spoke of my story, my feelings, the people in my life who have been so amazing to me and supported me. But I also thought it was important that I honored each woman who had or was fighting the same disease.  I know my story is crappy and devastating but just about every young woman I talk has the same kind of story. They were diagnosed while pregnant or right after their honeymoon, or right after graduating from college or 6 weeks after their mother passed from cancer. All of us have some heart wrenching, shitty story. And it’s because we are young, living the prime of our lives and we’re busy and then cancer shows up! My story is no more traumatic than any other young woman’s out there who was/is diagnosed and I wanted all of them to know that their stories had been heard too.

DAY 2

No Jeff. I was on my own. Kinda. Today was 90 miles of hills for about the first 65 miles. Then, nothing but flat.  I rode with my Ninja friend Lynn, as well as my super buds, Anna and Brian and my bad ass friend Corinne.  Day 2 I was able to talk to the other riders more and hear their stories and get to know so many of them better.  Since the hills were not as challenging it gave me more time to really bond with my fellow riders.

Day 2 took us through more scenic landscapes and up some long hills. The ride to the 3rd rest stop had us encountering a long descent on some turning, tight roads.  There was a great deal of debris because a storm had ripped through the area just a few days prior and just like the first day there were some detours which made Day 2 a bit longer as well.

We had a wonderful group of gentlemen that supported us on our ride all 3 days and they must be mentioned. The Moto Men.  They are a group of men on their motorcycles who follow and lead us along our route.  They will ride up and down the route slowing to ride next to you and let you know what is coming up ahead, how far the next rest stop is and if they see you stranded on the side of the road they help to fix a flat, put a chain back on or even give medical support. Since I was “alone” on Day 2 these men were the reason I got the up the hills that day.  After doing 93 miles of hills the day before I was pretty much over doing a ton more hills the next day. But they were there and had to be done. And these are when the Moto Men stepped in.  They would see me struggling to get up a hill, pull right up next to me and talk me through it. “If you need to drop a gear Jamie, do it. Just keep going, you’re almost there. Half way up the hill Jamie, keep pushing. You know you can do it. Only 100 feet, you can do anything for 100 feet.” And I got up the hills, thanks to the Moto Men!

Day 2 ended in Trenton, NJ.  Again I had a long bath, ate a yummy dinner and passed out nice and early so I would be ready for the next day.

DAY 3

Jeff is back.  Apparently he had so much fun that he came back to ride Day 3 with me. It was great to have him back. Plus there were no hills. Today was all about flat and fast.  Only about 52 miles. And those miles seemed to just fly by under my wheels.  You would think that my body would be beaten, tired and just plain sore as hell. But there was no fatigue, no pain, nothing.  Instead I felt a ton of adrenaline.  All I could think about was how I only had to get through a few more miles and I would be DONE! I would soon be crossing the finish line.

Towards the end of the ride Jeff and I were scooped up by a group of strong biker women.  They made us part of their pack and had me drafting off them so that I could get pulled up the smaller hills and help me to get a higher speed with less exertion.  Again, more amazing people, supporting, helping and loving. A few miles later and we see the sign for the Park. As we take the right my pace quickened and I was looking around for the “finish line”. And then I see it. THE PINK BALLOON ARCH.  I hear the cheers, I see tons of smiling faces and as I roll through the pink arch I see them. Huge pink signs with my name on it, and then I hear my name and I see familiar faces and hear familiar voices. And I see them. Some of my nearest and dearest friends, cheering and screaming and rocking custom pink t-shirts with my face on it. Are you kidding me?!?! I stop my bike and Jeff is next to me, hugging me, telling me how great I did and how proud he is of me and then he says it. He says that he knows Tracy is proud of me too. And then the tears come.  I’m crying and holding on tight to him and on to that thought. When I finally let go Kevin and my mom were there to hug me and tell me how proud they were. JP was there too! His sweet little face and big grin giving me the best hug, saying, “I’m proud of you Aunt Jamie!” And then my cheering squad was on top of me.  Their huge, beaming smiles! The girls (Robin, Amanda, and Tracy) made t-shirts with a picture of me on it and of course they paid tribute to my sister by writing her name on the shirts as well.  Kev’s cousin, Jen, made posters with the help of his younger cousin. George, Amanda’s BF was there cheering and smiling and Kev’s older brother Mike was there doing his best “Situation” impersonation. 🙂

It was so great of them to show up and surprise me. It meant so much to me to have them show their support like that.  It just made me cry even more. We grabbed lunch and while walking to the table to eat I was surprised by more amazing friends. Lauren and Goose showed up to cheer me.  More friends, and more love!

After lunch we said our good-byes and mom, Kev, Lynn and I headed into the city. We would be riding into Fox and Friends Studios the next day and talking about the amazing ride. Again I took a bath and this time I was surprised by a knock on the door that turned out to be my dear friend Zanzia. She was unable to make it in time to cheer me on at the finish so she came to the city to do dinner.

We met up with my sister Liza and my niece and nephew who excitedly showed me the kick ass posters they made for the next day.  Dinner was yummy and relaxing and after saying good-bye to Zanzia we headed to bed to watch the Bears game and to get some rest.

DAY 4

Today was the ride into the Fox and Friends studios.  We were up early and getting set up in groups for our arrival.  I was given the honor of being able to ride with the founders of the TDP as well as the president of the YSC, her hubby, and the VP of Hershey. Every single one of these people are my friends and were some fo my biggest supporters and cheerleader during this ride and even before it.

This year they featured Matt Purdue. One of the founding members of the TDP.  His partner Randi has recently passed from breast cancer and left behind Matt and her adorable daughter. Hershey was kind enough to present them with a check for their daughter.  I was lucky enough to know Randi and call her my friend.  She was small in stature but not in spirit or heart.  She was a true force to be reckoned with and many of us shed some tears while Matt spoke.

After the interview we all mingled and ate some breakfast and took pictures.  There was laughter, exchanging of emails and phone numbers and of course hugs.  And then the hosts of the show came back out to interview some of the riders randomly.  I of course had my wicked cute niece and nephew with me, sporting their YSC t-shirts and cool signs and wouldn’t you know it. I was interviewed. It was pretty cool.  And I felt proud to be given the opportunity to not only speak about my experience on the ride but to also speak about the amazing people who helped to make it happen.

We spent the rest of the day wandering around the city before heading home.  It was very bittersweet to leave.  I had such an amazing time on this ride. I met some incredible and inspiring people. I achieved the goal that I set out for myself and I grew closer to my sister.

On Day 2 when I spent many miles riding alone I found myself talking, out loud, to Tracy. I talked to her about life, what I was thinking, what I feeling, asking for her to keep me going when I felt tired, asking her to always stay close to me and telling her how much I love and I miss her. And I even made note that I hoped no other bikers came up on my suddenly while I was babbling to her.

This ride was one of the best experiences of my life. With this ride I was able to give cancer an F YOU! I was able to see that though my body isn’t back 100% it is damn near close.  But mostly this ride, though for cancer, helped bring back some normalcy in my life.  I plan to do this ride, every year for as long as I can.  Just the thought of riding next year has me humming with excitement and anticipation.

Now I am trying to get all my thank yous written and sent.  Please don’t think I have forgotten to do that.  There are just so many of you that I need to thank personally. Also if you would like to see pics of the ride you can do that HERE and HERE.

On another note I was featured in our local newspaper and you can read that HERE. I thought the piece cam out good though I did get made fun of by my sister. She said it makes me kind of sound like a super hero. “Jamie beats cancer, resucues dogs and leaps tall buildings in a single bound!” She thinks she’s funny.

So there it is. My TDP ride.  All of it.  Well, mostly all of it.  I hope I was able to convey to all of you even a little bit of the beauty and awesomeness of this ride. And I hope that I wll have your support on the ride next year. And I really hope I see some of you riding in it WITH ME next year!!

Love, Love, Love

I See You…..

Just a few more days now.  Tour de Pink is looming.  Do you see it? It’s right there. That huge, pink, fluffy, glittery, loud, pulsating cloud that’s over yonder.  Yup there it is.  And look at it.  Floating there. All smug and mocking me.  ::sigh:: You think I would be a bit more excited and bouncing around with anticipation for the ride.  But no. I’m all puking, sleepless nerves.  ::SIGH::

It’s not a race. I get that. And besides it’s not even ABOUT that. It’s about the cause, the comradery, the other amazing survivors and people I will meet and their stories that I will hear.  But dong this ride, completing ALL 220+ miles has meaning for me. Especially since I’m only a year and a month out of chemo. Especially since a year ago and even up to today my body is STILL recovering from the beat down it took from the “I’m taking the gloves off Jamie” chemo regiment that my oncologist put me on. And especially since I’m not just riding for me, but I’m also riding to honor my sister and her life and fight against the same crappy disease.

So because of how important this ride is to me I’ve been training for 7 long months. I’ve been sure to ride 3 to 5 times a week.  I’ve ridden great distances and climbed big hills.  I’ve cruised along bike paths and hugged the crap out of the shoulder of roads playing keep away with zipping cars.  I’ve gone on my own and I’ve ridden great distances with friends and family, supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me. And in just a few days it will be me and the Tour de Pink. Oh yes.

This past weekend I did 2 rides. 20 miles each.  Saturday’s ride was with my amazing friend Corrine (Who I so want to be when I grow. She too was diagnosed at 29 but after kicking the crap out of cancer she went on to give birth to her daughter and then adopted her 2nd daughter.  Corinne is now 10 years cancer free). We did 20 miles of road riding.  We climbed our way through some hills and worked on improving our speed and pushing hard.  Sunday I road with Kev’s cousin Jen.  We did about 20 miles at a steady pace and chewed through a couple of hills as well.

After my ride on Saturday I took my bike for a tune-up and once over at my favorite bike shop! The people here are just plain amazing.  This is the same shop that I picked my bike up from and anytime I go in with questions or needing help they more than go out of their way to help me out. They always ask how my training is going and wished me luck on my ride when I left on Saturday.  Really, these guys ROCK!

Today I was going to ride but the rain and thunder put a wash on that.  And I was told that I shouldn’t ride tomorrow or Wed.  So the next time I will be in the saddle will be Friday, Tour de Pink day.  Now, everyone is encouraged to come and cheer us along.  You can get maps and info about our route HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.  Making signs, dressing in pink, yelling, cheering singing and screaming is highly recommended.  Hell its mandatory.  Put a smile on my face and come cheer me on cause I’m pretty certain I’m going to want to cry while trying to climb the hills that day 1 has to offer me.

Exciting news about Day 1.  My brother (in-law), Jeff, will be riding Day 1 with me to help pull me along.  Day 1 is the hilliest, longest and hardest of all the days and being the loving, supportive, pain in my ass brother that he is, he decided to bless me with his presence. Oh I am a lucky girl indeed.

Sunday we end in Mercer County Park.  There will be a BBQ and celebrating and hugs and high fives going around. And of course all of you are encouraged to meet us there to cheer us as we roll in and partake in the yummy food!

Monday we will be rolling into the FOX Morning Show Studios where 1 survivor will be featured. So again, you are all encouraged to come on down and cheer and yell, sing, scream and dance, all while wearing pink and holding posters. 🙂

So yeah, I see you. Tour de Pink. You’ve made yourself quite visible.  Don’t worry I probably won’t sleep again tonight.  And if I do I’ll see you and all your 220+ hilly miles in my dreams.  You know, cancer was a walk in the park compared to you.  But I’m coming for you!

Love, Love, Love!

PS… You can still DONATE, so go do that! Please? And thank you!

This was supposed to be a very differnt blog……

Today I started out good.  Today started out with me happy.  Today I was supposed to post a blog buzzing with excitement and joy and thrill for my ride.  Today I was supposed to be a very different day and this was supposed to be a very different blog.

So what happened?  I don’t know. I got up, I made my tea, I exchanged a few texts with my brother (in-law), drove to work and worked.  I was fine at work.  I was relatively busy.  I didn’t get a bad phone call, texts or emails.  And yet as my day went on I felt my mood shift.  I went from being fine to being angry and irritable and feeling like I really just wanted to go home.  Driving home from work I felt my anger fully bloom from deep in my chest.  Every driver was pissing me off, I wanted to throw my phone out the window and all I wanted to do was go home. And when I got home all I wanted to do was be alone but that was pretty impossible with Kevin and my mother there.  So I did my best to swallow my anger and failed miserably.  Instead I spent the next 30 mins biting their heads off and seeping unhappiness out of ever pore of my body.  It wasn’t until my mom brought up that the bill for my egg storage was due that I figured it out.

And there it was.  My eggs. My fertility. My possible inability to have children.  The pain and sadness that I hold deep in heart and push down every day with the over flow of positive thoughts.  Every time I start to feel down or afraid that I won’t be able to have children I begin to stuff a whole bunch of positive crap down my throat and into my head hoping to drown out the negative.

From a young age I’ve known I’ve wanted to be a mother.  It’s something that I felt deep in my heart.  I adore children and have been known to have had the urge to eat the teeny little toes off a babies foot.  I see how my niece and nephews are the loves of my sister’s lives.  And every time I’m around a child or a baby I know even more how much I was meant to be a mommy.

Now I know that if all else fails there is always adoption.  And I know that adoption is amazing and a wonderful way to bring a very special child into your heart.  But I won’t lie, I want more than anything to have a child of my own.  To create a baby with the man I love.  I want to know what it’s like to feel a baby kick in my belly. And YES I want to go through all those hours of labor and squeeze the crap out of Kevin’s hand while giving birth. I want to hold my baby in my arms, while my family leans over and points out what features are mine and what features are my husband’s.  And as my baby grows I want to see a piece of me and a piece of my husband in them.  And when my child grows older and acts like a nut I can say, YOU ARE SO YOUR FATHER’S CHILD!!!

But maybe cancer has taken that away from me and that just plain enrages me.  I am so friggen angry right now. Even as I type this I am literally pounding on the keys because I am just so pissed off.  Cancer has taken so much from. SO FRIGGEN MUCH!!! Cancer doesn’t give you a say. It just takes.  It takes and takes and takes leaving you battered and heart-broken and angry and crying in its wake.  It rips through like a damn stage 5 hurricane.  It took my sister, it took my breasts, it took my hair, it’s taken my friends, it took my health and my youth and my sense of normalcy. And now it might have taken my ability to have children.  How dare you!!! NO!!! I refuse to let cancer take anything more from me. No! No more!!  I’m done with cancer and it taking things away from me.  I’m over it!

So today I’m battered and beaten down.  Today I am feeling frustrated, annoyed and sad.  And tonight I am going to give in to Kevin and let him comfort me and support me like only he can.  And tonight when he tells me that everything is going to be ok and that we will have a baby and I will carry them in my belly and give birth to them and yell at him the whole time I’m in labor, I am going to grab on to his words and hold them so tight to my chest that hopefully they will slip into my heart and push away all the sadness and negative for another day.

Love, Love, Love

Boy II Man

One year ago yesterday I went on a promised first date with a sweet boy.  One year ago yesterday I giggled and laughed my way through dinner with a boy who was trying very hard to impress me, in a good way.  One year ago yesterday I rolled my eyes and laughed at a boy who stood up and danced and sang really loud as his favorite band,  Boyz II Men, sang live on stage.  One year ago yesterday I got out of the car, from the door that he opened and thought, “It’s been a while since I’ve been treated this good.”

It’s been a whole year and he still opens my car doors, he still pulls out my chair when I sit down, he still carries my bags, he still helps me put on and take off my coats and he still makes me roll my eyes and laugh at his singing and dancing.  It’s been a whole year and still makes me feel more loved, then any boyfriend ever has.

Who knew that a 23-year-old boy, one of my best friend’s little bothers would end up making me happier then I could have ever imagined.  Yes,  this boy took me to a Boyz II Men concert, but he showed me that he was and is more of a man then most guys MY AGE!!!

To my Kevin, Thank you for finally showing me and proving to me just how amazing I deserved to be treated. Thank you for being so kind, patient and understanding to me needing to take it slow and navigating all my feelings.  And thank you for loving me for exactly who I am, fully and unconditionally.  You are the best surprise I could have ever imagined!

I love, love, love you!

Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven Tracy

Lord, light 43 beautiful candles
And sing Happy Birthday from me…
Her second Birthday in Heaven
And I wonder what her wish will be…

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and I can’t wait to see her smile…
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for a while…

Happy Birthday in Heaven Big Sister!

Love Love Love YOU!!

Stick a Needle in Me, I’m Done!

So I had my first acupuncture appointment on Wednesday at 6.  Though I was feeling really anxious and nervous, I was also buzzing with excitement and hope.  I’ve heard so many positive things about acupuncture and how it’s helped so many people that I couldn’t help but be a little hopeful that it would help me as well.  My mom has been pushing me to try it for a while but I was resistant to the idea because not only am I sick of needles and doctors but I honestly didn’t think it would help me at all.  I kind of thought it was a bunch of crap.  But after my mom showed me an article about Celine Dion and how she used acupuncture to help with her fertility and then asking a bunch of people what they thought of it I decided to give it a try. 

So my mom gave me the name that one of her dear co-workers recommended to her.  Turns out she goes to him and has seen benefits from it.  So I called up Dr. Wu and made an appointment.

So the plan was to meet my mom outside the office and talk to Dr. Wu together and see what he had to say.  However I got there a bit before my mom and it was so hot out that I decided to head into the office.  The office was very small and simple.  Not much on the walls or even in the waiting area but a few chairs and a water cooler.  Dr. Wu spotted me as he was heading into a patient’s room and headed over to me to hand me a form that I needed to fill out.  Done with that, and after one of his patients walked past me, he had me follow him into a small, cubicle like room that had a chair, small drawer set and medical bed in it.  He looked at the form and asked what I was there for.  “

“Ummmm, ok so I had breast cancer and my body isn’t back to normal yet and I wanted to help it heal and get my hair to grow and I want kids but I haven’t had my period in over a year and I guess I just want to improve my over-all health as well.”

“You’re done with chemo?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“When?”

“Last August.”

“OK. Lie down now.”

Can you tell he’s a man of few words?  So I lay down on the table/bed and he checks my pulse on my right wrist while asking, “You had Breast Cancer?”

“Yes,” I say.

“You don’t sleep, do you?” he asks.

“Nope.”

“You’re tired.”

“Yup.”

Then he levels me with his eyes, “You’re very tired.” He says.  I want to start crying because he’s pretty much nailed it.  I am so friggen tired!  “Yes”, I sigh “very tired.”

“Ok, we start now.”

Ummm wait what? We start now? My mom isn’t here yet.  We haven’t really discussed anything. We are just going to start like that? Yup we sure are.  Not only is the man of few words but he is quick in his trade and before I know it I have 3 needles in each foot.  Ok not too bad. Then he moves up to my stomach.  And this is when I start to think that maybe this acupuncture thing could really work.  He places one needle where my right ovary is. When I don’t react he twists the needle and suddenly I can feel my ovary contract and then cramp. OUCH! He nods his head then placed the next needle where my uterus is.  No reaction from he again so he twists it.  Now I feel my uterus contract and cramp. OW! Another nod and then he’s placing a needle where my left ovary is and this time he twists it right away.  Left ovary contracts, I feel a cramp and then OW! He nods and places a needle in each wrist another in my third eye, another at the beginning of my scalp and another at the top of my head.  He turns the lights off and walks out.  What the hell just happened here? REALLY!?!

So I’m laying there with 14 needles in me that honestly really don’t hurt too much but I can feel some pressure in a few of the spots.  As I’m laying there trying to relax I hear my mom burst in asking where her daughter is.  After being shown my room she bursts in, talking about parking and what’s going on when I SHUSH her.  She finally LOOKS at me and says, “OH! He got you already!”  ::sigh:: SHHHHH!! She apologizes and sits down on the chair and pulls out a book to read.

So there I am, stuck with needles, trying to breathe and relax my mind.  And all I want to do is laugh. I’m not quite sure why I want to laugh.  It’s not like there is anything funny happening or anything that is there to make me laugh.  But I want to laugh.  So I try to relax and zone out.  15 to 20 mins later Dr. Wu returns and pulls the needles out and then instructs me to lay on my stomach.  Quickly he sticks 10 needles in my back and leaves the room.  WTF! Now I feel like a pin cushion.  The next 15 mins are going to suck.  So I’m laying there when I hear my mom get up and then she reports to me that I have 10 needles in my back.  Yeah great, thanks.  Three minutes later I don’t feel the needles anymore and instead I feel my muscles start to ache.  But I lay there and try to zone out again.  15 more minutes go by and Dr. Wu again enters the room, pulls out the needles and then proceeds to give me a 15 minute massage.  Now, this I can get used to!  20 minutes later I’m being ushered out and told that I am to come back the following week and he then disappears into a room with his next patient in it. 

It’s been a week and I can report that I have indeed been sleeping better.  I’m falling asleep at a more normal time and having an easier time falling asleep.  I still wake up a few times during the night but I can fall asleep easier then as well instead of staying up for an hour or two.  Also I have better energy during the day instead of feeling sluggish around 2 or 3 pm.  I’ve also noticed that my sleep is much deeper.  I feel rested and as though I have truly slept instead of tossed and turned all night.  Could this be because of the acupuncture? I think it really might.  So I’m kind of excited to see what a month or 5 of it will lead to.  I have my 2^nd appointment tonight and I’m looking forward to seeing more results. WOO HOO!!

On a side note, I’m back on my bike hard core again.  I went for a quick little jaunt with Kevin’s super sweet cousin Jen last night.  We had a great little ride with some girl talk.  She’s decided that she’s going to help me train and I’m all for it.  It helps to have lots of people helping to kick your butt and help prepare you.  This Sunday I have a big ride lined up.  My brother-in-laws, Jeff and Mark and my sister Liza and I will be heading out on a 40 or 50 miler.  I’m really excited to put some serious miles on my AWESOME new tires!!

Love Love Love!

My Nipples are Better then Yours!

Let me start by apologizing for the delay in my blogs as of late.  Life has been kind of busy, a good busy though.  And though I had a rough draft of this post sitting on my computer and was waiting til later to post I received an email from my brother-in-law calling me slacker and telling me to update my blog.  So you can thank him if you have been patiently waiting for this newest post.  So, I would like to dedicate this post to Jeffery since he seems to be doing nothing but sitting at the computer, staring at my blog and constantly refreshing the page, just waiting for something new from me.  Here’s to YOU, JEFF!!!

So all the prayers, good vibes and fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossing has worked.  I got the news on Monday that my bone AND cat scans came back NED!! WOOT!! I love NED. I think NED is super.  I’m always so happy when NED comes for a visit.  Days seem sunnier and brighter and life is just more blissful.  HOORAY FOR NED!! So YES my cancer is still gone.  Thought my family and I slightly suspected this to be the case it still is nice to actually get confirmation.  So a HUGE sigh of relief over here and my next scans are in 6 months. 

In other news I had my final procedure, Monday, on my ta-tas.  I had the tattooing done for my areola and nipples to be colored in.  I chose the color fo my lips because I read somewhere that your nipples are the same color as your lips.  True or not I think the color works.  Anyway, I had an 11am appointment with the doctor who was going to be the tattooing.  She assured me that it shouldn’t be to painful and if it was she would shoot my tas up with some Lidocaine.  She started by scraping a sterile needle along the region she would be tattooing to see if I had any sort of sensation.  Aside from slight pressure I felt nothing. SUPER! Away we go.

 So she starts with my left breast and at first all I felt was some pressure, then some vibrations then ZAP! It felt like an electrical jolt was sent down my nerve. I started to wince and grimace and she asked if I needed her to stop and I told her no. I was just going to try to suck it up and see if this little zinger was just a single zap.  Yeah, not even close.  Suddenly I could feel EVERYTHING. My nerves were on FIRE and I could feel the needle going in and out of my skin.  I had tears streaming down my face and all I kept thinking was, “how the hell do people get tattoos? There’s no way!”.  The doctor noticed my tears and stopped and started to reprimand me that I didn’t tell her to stop sooner so she could shoot me up with the Lidocaine.  I thought I could dean with it up but  as she put it, WHY?

 So She numbed me up pretty good and finished up on my left side. She then headed to my right and decided she wasn’t taking any chances and she immediately numbed me out.  This time around I felt pressure, vibrations and every now and then I would get a zap but it was a million times better.  She kept apologizing over and over and I kept telling her that it was fine.  Finally she looked at me and said, “you know what Jame? This is good news! I know it hurts but it means you don’t have as much nerve damage as you thought. Your nerves are trying to get themselves together and come back. They’re just a little confused right now.”  Now this would be lovely all I could respond with was, “Yeah but couldn’t they wait one more day before they decided to start working again?”  This of course made her life and then she frowned.  She needed to do a slight touch up on the left side again and was hoping I was still numb.  Well I wasn’t but I told her to just do it so I could be done with it all. 

Fifteen minutes later I was sitting in the parking lot, in my car sobbing!  I was happy that I got the good news about my scans but then the numbing was wearing off and the pain I felt was just plain nasty.  I called my dad, mom and Kevin, all of whom told me to go home.  But I refused and was adamant that I was going to head into work.  And I did.  I felt sore for the rest of the day and later that night while laying in bed I could feel my nerves zapping and I would get little tremors and jerks.  Kevin though it was because my nerves got a shock and they are trying to get it together and I just thought it was plain annoying. 

So I need to keep the area moist with bacitracin ointment for the next few weeks or else the coloring will scab, fall off and I will have to do it all over again and I refuse.  So I’m being diligent with the care and still feeling a bit sore but it’s my last and final step with all my procedures and surgeries and what not. 

Tonight I am going to my very first acupuncture appointment.  I’ve been told by a slew of people that it’s great and super beneficial so I’ve decided to give it a go.  Let’s see if it can help encourage my ovaries to get it together as well as my hair (which is still taking its sweet time to grow in) and just help with over all general health and well-being.

Also only about 2 more months until Tour de Pink.  If you haven’t donated go do it please!  I still haven’t reached my goal and could use all the help I can get.  In my next blog I will be sure top tell you about the rides that I went on with my brother-in-laws.  Both the rides were quite an experience.  🙂

Love Love Love!

PS…..you can see the AMAZING pics my friend took at my birthday HERE!  She’s THE BEST!!!

A VERY Happy 31st Birthday to ME!

This past weekend I celebrated my 31st birthday.  Honestly my birthday celebration started a few weeks ago when Kevin took me to Disney World in order to celebrate my day.  Kev, my sisters, their families and I all headed down to Disney for an absolutely AMAZING vacation.  Everyday there was a small birthday celebration for me.  From Disney characters wishing me a happy birthday, to the staff at our resort and beyond singing me happy birthday and my family making sure that my FIRST Disney World experience (last time I was there I was about 20 months so it doesn’t count) was absolutely incredible! I HIGHLY recommend everyone doing Disney at least once in their lives.  And if you can go and celebrate a special occasion while you’re down there than DO IT!!! You  can see pics from our vacation HERE.  Kev took a ton of video and as soon as he uploads them I’ll be sure to make them available.

This past weekend I celebrated my actual Birthday.  But first I had to head to the hospital on Friday to get my scans done.  I had my bi-yearly cat and bone scans to check things out and make sure that my cancer is still GONE and I wish I could say it was a quick and easy process but you all should now by now that that’s just not possible.  First my scans were pushed back because there was an emergency at the hospital, no biggie, then I had someone crazy lady who had no clue how to put an IV in.  So when the IV was taken out just before my bone scan I bled through 2 bandages.  It was awesome. (LOTS AND LOTS of sarcasm there).  The IV was pulled, a bandage was slapped on it and they sent me away to wait for an hour. While walking to the waiting room I felt something dripping down my hand.  I went to go wipe my hand on my pants and then figured  I better look at it first.  Yup, that would be BLOOD dripping down my hand and soaking through the bandage.  I headed back into the pre-scan room and pointed to my hand, “Ummm yeah I think you need to do something here.”  I was ushered over to a chair and had a new bandage slapped on it.  I was told to put tons of pressure on it and hold it over my head.  So there I am, arms over my head and pressure on my hand….. DRIP…. “Ummm I think I need a new bandage again.”  A new bandage was put on and I was told that I would be sitting in the room with them until my scans.  I was asked multiple times if I was on a blood thinner and every time I said, ‘Nope, that nurse just has no idea how to put in an IV. That or you don’t know how to pull one.”  I’m a smart ass, I know.  So a few hours later I was on my way home with all my scans done, a new bandage and a nice little hole in my hand.

Saturday I did dinner with Kev, Zanzia and her fiance Tom.  We ate at one of my favorite restaurants, 121! YUM YUM YUM!! After dinner we headed to a local bar where a small gathering of my friends were, to throw me a little “surprise” party.  Sunday My parents took Kev and I to my VERY favorite French restaurant, Le Chateau, for brunch.  I can not begin to tell you just how delicious their food is.  I had THE BEST, crepes and french toast that has EVER been made. Seriously!

After brunch we headed into NYC to meet up with a few of my dear friends.  You see Kristen’s boyfriend is a captain on one of the Circle Line boats and he not only got us a ride on the boat for free, but we had all our meals and drinks comped as well.  I know the Circle Line is a total tourist thing to do but I absolutely love it! You sail around the island and even make your way around The Statue Of Liberty.  It was gorgeous!  After our cruise we wandered around the piers, eating ice-cream and taking picture.  Kristen is an AMAZING photographer and she got awesome shots of us.  I promise to post a link to them once she posts them herself.

Today I received the best birthday gift I could ever ask for.  At 9pm my oncologist called to tell me that he got my bone scans back. ALL CLEAR!!! WOO HOOO!!! So now we wait for my cat scans and Dr. M promised to keep an eye out for them.  So one result back and one more to go.  Fingers crossed!

Love Love Love!

A Call to Action………

Calling all prayers, meditators, chanters, wishful thinkers, positive people, and the hopeful!  I have scans tomorrow to take a peak and confirm that my cancer is still, indeed GONE! So if you all would be so kind as to end all prayers, ju-ju and positive thoughts in this direction I would be most appreciative of it.

My scans come just 2 days before my 31st birthday and if I was to be told that I’m still ALL GOOD, well, that would be THE BEST birthday gift EVER!!!

Love Love Love!