I See You…..

Just a few more days now.  Tour de Pink is looming.  Do you see it? It’s right there. That huge, pink, fluffy, glittery, loud, pulsating cloud that’s over yonder.  Yup there it is.  And look at it.  Floating there. All smug and mocking me.  ::sigh:: You think I would be a bit more excited and bouncing around with anticipation for the ride.  But no. I’m all puking, sleepless nerves.  ::SIGH::

It’s not a race. I get that. And besides it’s not even ABOUT that. It’s about the cause, the comradery, the other amazing survivors and people I will meet and their stories that I will hear.  But dong this ride, completing ALL 220+ miles has meaning for me. Especially since I’m only a year and a month out of chemo. Especially since a year ago and even up to today my body is STILL recovering from the beat down it took from the “I’m taking the gloves off Jamie” chemo regiment that my oncologist put me on. And especially since I’m not just riding for me, but I’m also riding to honor my sister and her life and fight against the same crappy disease.

So because of how important this ride is to me I’ve been training for 7 long months. I’ve been sure to ride 3 to 5 times a week.  I’ve ridden great distances and climbed big hills.  I’ve cruised along bike paths and hugged the crap out of the shoulder of roads playing keep away with zipping cars.  I’ve gone on my own and I’ve ridden great distances with friends and family, supporting me, encouraging me and cheering me. And in just a few days it will be me and the Tour de Pink. Oh yes.

This past weekend I did 2 rides. 20 miles each.  Saturday’s ride was with my amazing friend Corrine (Who I so want to be when I grow. She too was diagnosed at 29 but after kicking the crap out of cancer she went on to give birth to her daughter and then adopted her 2nd daughter.  Corinne is now 10 years cancer free). We did 20 miles of road riding.  We climbed our way through some hills and worked on improving our speed and pushing hard.  Sunday I road with Kev’s cousin Jen.  We did about 20 miles at a steady pace and chewed through a couple of hills as well.

After my ride on Saturday I took my bike for a tune-up and once over at my favorite bike shop! The people here are just plain amazing.  This is the same shop that I picked my bike up from and anytime I go in with questions or needing help they more than go out of their way to help me out. They always ask how my training is going and wished me luck on my ride when I left on Saturday.  Really, these guys ROCK!

Today I was going to ride but the rain and thunder put a wash on that.  And I was told that I shouldn’t ride tomorrow or Wed.  So the next time I will be in the saddle will be Friday, Tour de Pink day.  Now, everyone is encouraged to come and cheer us along.  You can get maps and info about our route HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.  Making signs, dressing in pink, yelling, cheering singing and screaming is highly recommended.  Hell its mandatory.  Put a smile on my face and come cheer me on cause I’m pretty certain I’m going to want to cry while trying to climb the hills that day 1 has to offer me.

Exciting news about Day 1.  My brother (in-law), Jeff, will be riding Day 1 with me to help pull me along.  Day 1 is the hilliest, longest and hardest of all the days and being the loving, supportive, pain in my ass brother that he is, he decided to bless me with his presence. Oh I am a lucky girl indeed.

Sunday we end in Mercer County Park.  There will be a BBQ and celebrating and hugs and high fives going around. And of course all of you are encouraged to meet us there to cheer us as we roll in and partake in the yummy food!

Monday we will be rolling into the FOX Morning Show Studios where 1 survivor will be featured. So again, you are all encouraged to come on down and cheer and yell, sing, scream and dance, all while wearing pink and holding posters. 🙂

So yeah, I see you. Tour de Pink. You’ve made yourself quite visible.  Don’t worry I probably won’t sleep again tonight.  And if I do I’ll see you and all your 220+ hilly miles in my dreams.  You know, cancer was a walk in the park compared to you.  But I’m coming for you!

Love, Love, Love!

PS… You can still DONATE, so go do that! Please? And thank you!

This was supposed to be a very differnt blog……

Today I started out good.  Today started out with me happy.  Today I was supposed to post a blog buzzing with excitement and joy and thrill for my ride.  Today I was supposed to be a very different day and this was supposed to be a very different blog.

So what happened?  I don’t know. I got up, I made my tea, I exchanged a few texts with my brother (in-law), drove to work and worked.  I was fine at work.  I was relatively busy.  I didn’t get a bad phone call, texts or emails.  And yet as my day went on I felt my mood shift.  I went from being fine to being angry and irritable and feeling like I really just wanted to go home.  Driving home from work I felt my anger fully bloom from deep in my chest.  Every driver was pissing me off, I wanted to throw my phone out the window and all I wanted to do was go home. And when I got home all I wanted to do was be alone but that was pretty impossible with Kevin and my mother there.  So I did my best to swallow my anger and failed miserably.  Instead I spent the next 30 mins biting their heads off and seeping unhappiness out of ever pore of my body.  It wasn’t until my mom brought up that the bill for my egg storage was due that I figured it out.

And there it was.  My eggs. My fertility. My possible inability to have children.  The pain and sadness that I hold deep in heart and push down every day with the over flow of positive thoughts.  Every time I start to feel down or afraid that I won’t be able to have children I begin to stuff a whole bunch of positive crap down my throat and into my head hoping to drown out the negative.

From a young age I’ve known I’ve wanted to be a mother.  It’s something that I felt deep in my heart.  I adore children and have been known to have had the urge to eat the teeny little toes off a babies foot.  I see how my niece and nephews are the loves of my sister’s lives.  And every time I’m around a child or a baby I know even more how much I was meant to be a mommy.

Now I know that if all else fails there is always adoption.  And I know that adoption is amazing and a wonderful way to bring a very special child into your heart.  But I won’t lie, I want more than anything to have a child of my own.  To create a baby with the man I love.  I want to know what it’s like to feel a baby kick in my belly. And YES I want to go through all those hours of labor and squeeze the crap out of Kevin’s hand while giving birth. I want to hold my baby in my arms, while my family leans over and points out what features are mine and what features are my husband’s.  And as my baby grows I want to see a piece of me and a piece of my husband in them.  And when my child grows older and acts like a nut I can say, YOU ARE SO YOUR FATHER’S CHILD!!!

But maybe cancer has taken that away from me and that just plain enrages me.  I am so friggen angry right now. Even as I type this I am literally pounding on the keys because I am just so pissed off.  Cancer has taken so much from. SO FRIGGEN MUCH!!! Cancer doesn’t give you a say. It just takes.  It takes and takes and takes leaving you battered and heart-broken and angry and crying in its wake.  It rips through like a damn stage 5 hurricane.  It took my sister, it took my breasts, it took my hair, it’s taken my friends, it took my health and my youth and my sense of normalcy. And now it might have taken my ability to have children.  How dare you!!! NO!!! I refuse to let cancer take anything more from me. No! No more!!  I’m done with cancer and it taking things away from me.  I’m over it!

So today I’m battered and beaten down.  Today I am feeling frustrated, annoyed and sad.  And tonight I am going to give in to Kevin and let him comfort me and support me like only he can.  And tonight when he tells me that everything is going to be ok and that we will have a baby and I will carry them in my belly and give birth to them and yell at him the whole time I’m in labor, I am going to grab on to his words and hold them so tight to my chest that hopefully they will slip into my heart and push away all the sadness and negative for another day.

Love, Love, Love