So I’m having a really crummy, just plain shit day all around! And I need to vent this out or else I’m kind of going to lose control and crack. I’ve spent most of today in tears, except when my dear friend Lauren had me laughing and trying to forget.
So today is chemo day. I was ready to go and feeling pretty good. My mom and Lauren went with me and I was kind of excited to have Lauren there to chat with and keep me company. Plus I was eager to get back on track with chemo after I was denied it last week.
So off into the back I went all smiles and jokes, bouncing on the balls of my feet. I sat down in my infusion chair and chatted with the other patients in the room while my blood was drawn and I was started on hydration. Lauren came into the back to hang out when my nurse, Cindy, was handed my counts. All I heard was, “Oh crap!”. I looked at Cindy waiting for an explanation. Cindy shook her head and told me I tanked. Umm excuse me? I tanked? Oh hell no! I’m getting treated! NOPE! I was denied. AGAIN!!! Turns out my white cells were in the toilet and I wasn’t allowed to be treated. I was told that my body has been working so hard and getting its ass handed to it that it finally just said, “Ummm, screw you! I’m taking a break”. And take a break it did. Right in the friggen toilet!!
My first reaction? Tears. Tons and tons of tears. Then there was the anger. I mean raging anger. I had to stop and take a few breathes because I was on a war path and I felt myself on the verge of screaming at someone. Lauren and my mom did their best to try and calm me down and told me to stay positive but I wasn’t having ANY OF IT!! I had to have them walk away because my anger was through the roof and I knew I would take it out on them and it wasn’t even them I was mad at.
I am mad at myself and my body! I feel so damn out of control. And that scares the crap out of me. I used to be a major control freak. I mean crazy control freak because I thought if I could control everything then nothing would ever go wrong. I quickly learned the real truth about that when my ex-fiance and I broke up many years ago. I soon learned that I couldn’t control everything and that it was ok. Sometimes I just need to go with the flow and see what happens. But this was all too much for me. I’ve been doing everything right. I drink so much water that I can’t walk past a bathroom without having to pee, I’ve been very conscious of eating healthy and often, getting my rest and making sure I’m as active as I can be, even taking up Yoga! I’ve been doing everything right and yet my body refused to cooperate with me, YET AGAIN!!!
So I was given a shot of Neupogen and was sent home and told that I need to continue with the Neupogen shots over the weekend to build up my white cells again. I have to report back to the office on Monday to have my counts taken and if they are where they should be then I can be given chemo on Monday.
Here are the negatives. Much like Neulasta, Neupogen makes your bones feel like they are on fire! It just gets to work on pumping out tons and tons of white blood cells. And I have to have 2 more shots of this crap on Saturday and Sunday. As I write this I can feel my skull, my sternum, ribs and the bones in my arms screaming!! The other negative? My last day of chemo has been pushed back YET AGAIN!! Now Aug. 21st is my last day of chemo. I am SO angry. Scratch that, I’m infuriated. I just want this shit over with!
I hate cancer! I hate everything it has given to me and everything it has taken away from me. I hate the pain and the heartache. I hate the tears, the uncertainties and the fears. I hate seeing my loved ones cry and hurt and stumble around trying to find the right words to help keep me positive and plugging away.
I truly wish cancer was something that I could actually get into a boxing ring with and go 10 rounds with. Hell give me 1 round and I would have it KNOCKED OUT with the most bad ass upper cut that would leave Earnie Shavers in awe!
I want to send cancer a message. I refuse, REFUSE to be taken! I have not been busting my butt by being proactive all these years for it to sneak in and take me down. My sister did not die in vain! She taught me everything I needed to know about being my own best advocate, being in-tune with my body, and never, never, NEVER giving up!! Hell I don’t even HAVE cancer anymore! It’s gone! Chemo is just my special form of armour.
So today I am angry. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. But come Monday I will be ready. My body is in the locker room, giving itself the Vince Lombardie of pep-talks. Come Monday it’s a whole new ball game. I still have 5 treatments left, but I’m going to get through this. Even with all the stupid obstacles that pop up. I”m going to get through this and then NEVER do chemo again! Because I don’t think cancer really wants to even try taking me on again. That would be just plain suicide!
Love, Love, Love!