Today I am 30….

So today is my 30th Birthday. I’ve got a ton of emotions rolling around and feel like I’m trying to crash through all the waves to reach smoother, crystal clear blue waters.

First off I’m incredibly sad that my sister, Tracy, isn’t here to share in the celebration. My sisters and I had planned to spend the weekend of my 30th birthday together and to not have her here is incredibly difficult. I know she is here in spirit but it would be nice to have her here in body. To hear her tell me Happy Birthday and get a huge hug from her. But I’m pretty sure she will make her presence known in her own way.

Secondly, I’m not sad to see my 20s go. Heck I’m happy to have them shove off. My 20s basically sucked. Don’t get me wrong there are great times and memories sprinkled through-out. And major life experiences that I wouldn’t trade, but in all it was my toughest decade of life by far! (yeah, cause I’ve lived so many, Ha!) I had so many plans and dreams for my 20s and wouldn’t you know, not a single damn one worked out. Honest! Not one single plan came to fruition for me. I guess that just proves even more that what Tracy said was true. Don’t make plans. Live in the now. Life really doesn’t give a crud what you have planned. It’s going to do what it wants in the end. You just have to live in the now and take life as it comes.

So I’m hoping my 30s are about a million times better. Again I have some plans but I’m not holding onto them with a death grip anymore.  Things will happen for me as they are supposed and I really just need to accept that. I can have some life goals and make some major efforts to reach them but in the end I have to enjoy the ride.

So Good-bye 20s. I’m really not sad to see you go. Move along and please don’t leave a forwarding address I won’t need it and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out! Hello 30s I’m looking forward to what is in store for me.  I think this is going to be a HUGE decade for me. Just the start of something big. The tip of the iceberg! So welcome again 30s. Pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable. And can I get you a glass of champagne with strawberries in it?

Love, Love, Love!

Fight Like A Girl!!

So I got chemo on Monday!! Hooray! That means I’m down to 4! Yes, count them. Only 4 more to go.

So a school friend of mine sent me this video in an email and I have to tell you I LOVE IT!! It is an incredible song and has become an anthem for me. My, go to fight song! Take a listen, Sing out loud. Cheer a sista’ on!!

Love, Love, Love!

Aug. 21st? Lucky Aug, 21st?!

So I’m having a really crummy, just plain shit day all around! And I need to vent this out or else I’m kind of going to lose control and crack. I’ve spent most of today in tears, except when my dear friend Lauren had me laughing and trying to forget.

So today is chemo day. I was ready to go and feeling pretty good. My mom and Lauren went with me and I was kind of excited to have Lauren there to chat with and keep me company.  Plus I was eager to get back on track with chemo after I was denied it last week.

So off into the back I went all smiles and jokes, bouncing on the balls of my feet.  I sat down in my infusion chair and chatted with the other patients in the room while my blood was drawn and I was started on hydration.  Lauren came into the back to hang out when my nurse, Cindy, was handed my counts. All I heard was, “Oh crap!”. I looked at Cindy waiting for an explanation. Cindy shook her head and told me I tanked. Umm excuse me? I tanked? Oh hell no! I’m getting treated! NOPE! I was denied. AGAIN!!! Turns out my white cells were in the toilet and I wasn’t allowed to be treated.  I was told that my body has been working so hard and getting its ass handed to it that it finally just said, “Ummm, screw you! I’m taking a break”. And take a break it did. Right in the friggen toilet!!

My first reaction? Tears. Tons and tons of tears. Then there was the anger. I mean raging anger. I had to stop and take a few breathes because I was on a war path and I felt myself on the verge of screaming at someone. Lauren and my mom did their best to try and calm me down and told me to stay positive but I wasn’t having ANY OF IT!! I had to have them walk away because my anger was through the roof and I knew I would take it out on them and it wasn’t even them I was mad at. 

I am mad at myself and my body! I feel so damn out of control.  And that scares the crap out of me. I used to be a major control freak. I mean crazy control freak because I thought if I could control everything then nothing would ever go wrong.  I quickly learned the real truth about that when my ex-fiance and I broke up many years ago. I soon learned that I couldn’t control everything and that it was ok. Sometimes I just need to go with the flow and see what happens. But this was all too much for me. I’ve been doing everything right. I drink so much water that I can’t walk past a bathroom without having to pee, I’ve been very conscious of eating healthy and often, getting my rest and making sure I’m as active as I can be, even taking up Yoga! I’ve been doing everything right and yet my body refused to cooperate with me, YET AGAIN!!!

So I was given a shot of Neupogen and was sent home and told that I need to continue with the Neupogen shots over the weekend to build up my white cells again. I have to report back to the office on Monday to have my counts taken and if they are where they should be then I can be given chemo on Monday.

Here are the negatives. Much like Neulasta, Neupogen makes your bones feel like they are on fire! It just gets to work on pumping out tons and tons of white blood cells. And I have to have 2 more shots of this crap on Saturday and Sunday. As I write this I can feel my skull, my sternum, ribs and the bones in my arms screaming!!  The other negative? My last day of chemo has been pushed back YET AGAIN!! Now Aug. 21st is my last day of chemo. I am SO angry. Scratch that, I’m infuriated. I just want this shit over with!

I hate cancer! I hate everything it has given to me and everything it has taken away from me. I hate the pain and the heartache. I hate the tears, the uncertainties and the fears. I hate seeing my loved ones cry and hurt and stumble around trying to find the right words to help keep me positive and plugging away.

I truly wish cancer was something that I could actually get into a boxing ring with and go 10 rounds with.  Hell give me 1 round and I would have it KNOCKED OUT with the most bad ass upper cut that would leave Earnie Shavers in awe!

I want to send cancer a message. I refuse, REFUSE to be taken! I have not been busting my butt by being proactive all these years for it to sneak in and take me down. My sister did not die in vain! She taught me everything I needed to know about being my own best advocate, being in-tune with my body, and never, never, NEVER giving up!! Hell I don’t even HAVE cancer anymore! It’s gone! Chemo is just my special form of armour.

So today I am angry. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated.  But come Monday I will be ready. My body is in the locker room, giving itself the Vince Lombardie of pep-talks.  Come Monday it’s a whole new ball game. I still have 5 treatments left, but I’m going to get through this. Even with all the stupid obstacles that pop up. I”m going to get through this and then NEVER do chemo again! Because I don’t think cancer really wants to even try taking me on again. That would be just plain suicide!

Love, Love, Love!

And so it goes…..

Well here it is. Another long awaited post from yours truly. Again I apologize for not keeping everyone up to date better but life has been incredibly hectic. I promise to do better from here on out. Truly! So let’s get to it.

Last week I was unable to get chemo. GRRRRRRR!! Why you ask? OOOHHH let me tell you. I had a really nasty infection. What kind of infection you wonder? It’s called Black Hairy Tongue. Only my tongue wasn’t black. It was GREEN! Green like I had sucked on a green Popsicle. Green like a chewed on grass for a few hours. And not just part of my tongue but my whole damn tongue. Lovely thought huh? Not only that but I was also severely dehydrated.  So I had to go to my oncologists office 2 days in a row to get hydrated and then I was given the news that they were refusing to give me chemo that week.  Needless to say I bawled my eyes out. I sat and actually sobbed. YES SOBBED! I was so mad at myself and my body. All I could think was that I’m not as strong and tough as I thought I was. My body not only went against me and got cancer but now it was getting its ass kicked from chemo.  Plus this would be putting my end date off by a week. No longer would Aug 7th be my last day. Now it’s Aug 14th!!

So there I sat sobbing.  And to make matters worse all the other patients in the infusion room were men and women in their 70s and 80s.  I felt so out of place and the damn look of pity they were all giving me just got me mad.  Then I started to get mad at all of them. How dare they look at me like that and cluck their tongues and say “poor baby” or “it will be ok little one”. How dare they! They have lived a nice long ripe life and are getting cancer in their old age! I’m 29! My life has barely begun! I have so much ahead of me! But first I have to kick the shit out of cancer!  And then I started to get mad because I couldn’t stop crying. I mean the tears just kept coming and coming. It was like I was finally crying over everything that has happened over the past 10 months.  So of course I started to get mad that I couldn’t stop crying so I cried some more. It got to the point where my nurse, Cindy, had to kneel down in front of me and grab me by the shoulders and talk sense into me. 

I have been through 11 sessions of chemo, my body has gone through a major beat down from surgeries, injections, procedure, treatments and emotional distress.  Sometimes the body just needs a break and it’s ok.  It doesn’t make me any less strong. But Cindy did say she is ready for this to be all over for me. She said that I’ve been through enough and don’t deserve anymore pain or heartache and is ready for me to be done too. 

So, I went home last Wed sad and frustrated but knowing that missing chemo that week was the right thing for me and my body. 

I’m happy to report that my infection is gone. My tongue is a very pretty pink! However food still tastes nasty but it will until treatments are done.

Another positive is my job situation. I have been given the most amazing opportunity that has me bouncing up and down with the biggest grin on my face. I don’t want to say too much because there are some loose ends that still need to be tied up but I promise to reveal all once things are all set.  But I have been spending the past month on this little project and so far things are looking really great. I will say that this job gives me the opportunityto make an amazing living, while having fun, and I’ll be doing something I’m really good at! Needless to say I’m really excited and can’t wait to share it with all of you!

So tomorrow I have chemo and after my treatment I’ll be down to 4!! WOO HOO!! This weekend I’ll be in Albany at Siena College. Some of Tracy’s old college friends have put together a tree planting ceremony in her honor.  Afterwards we are heading back to her college roommate’s house for a BBQ.

So don’t forget. The date has been changed. August 14th, 2009 is my new last day of chemo! Mark it down and set your alarm!!!

Love, Love, Love!