It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment. That’s 4 Friday’s where I didn’t have to get up really early and head down to my Oncologist’s office, get stuck with a needle, and sit in the infusion room for 6 hours while my life saving poison raced trough my veins seeking out any rogue cancer cells to destroy. For the past 4 weeks I have felt my energy level slowly rise. I have been able to do some light hiking, swimming and have even been able to hit the park to kick around a ball. ::sigh:: I’ve missed that!! I’ve also seen some hair growth, I’m able to count 3 tiny and small eyelashes beginning to grow and 1 eyebrow hair. My nails are starting to go back to normal and the sallow color of my skin is now giving way to Nicole Kidman porcelain white. Better known as pasty!
So physically I am slowly going back to my normal self. However, mentally I have started the process of falling a part. I have begun to feel some of the most intense emotions that I have EVER felt in my entire life. My feeling s are so extreme that they are beginning to scare me and make me wonder if I’ll ever see the other side of this darkness. My dear friend Katie said it best, “Jamie, you have basically been going through the motions of living your life for the past 10 months. You took all your emotions and locked them away in a box and went into survival mode. Now that you don’t need to be strong everything you locked away is finally being released.” And how!!
I’m not just sad, I’m depressed. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. I literally have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, get dressed and even eat on some days. There are moments when out of nowhere I will lose it. Just plain start sobbing hysterically. And then moments later it’s over. Then there are times when I’ll just sit and cry quietly for an hour. I can be reading a book, driving in the car, laying in bed and I’ll just stare at nothing and cry.
And much like the extreme sadness I feel the anger I feel is no small blip. It’s not just being mad or angry, it’s flat out rage!! Rage that I can feel boiling in my stomach and infesting my chest giving me sharp pains. All I want to do it take a bat to someone or something. I have never felt this type of anger in my life and quite honestly it scares the crap out of me. Perhaps this is the blinding rage that people feel just before they snap. And if that’s the case then I hope I work through this feeling as quickly as possible.
As for sleeping. It doesn’t really happen. I haven’t had a full nights sleep since the beginning of November. I either stay up all night and then fall asleep around 5 and wake up at 8, or I sleep a few hours here and there during the night all the while tossing and turning, or I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and wake up either crying or screaming because of some rotten nightmare I’m having. The nightmares are the worst. They all seem so real that often times I wake up and feel like the event actually happened. One time I had a dream that rocked me for days. I woke up feeling like Tracy was mad at me and I couldn’t shake the feeling for a week! Then I got mad at her for being angry at me. It’s amazing the emotions and turmoil one goes through when their world has been shattered and turned upside down for nearly a year!
So, now that I am no longer in survival mode all these emotions have decided that it’s totally cool for them to come flooding out and pretty much knock me on my ass. I am finally crying about being told I had breast cancer, my sister passing away, having people who I thought were my friends show me how much their really not and over a broken heart.
I thought things would get easier once chemo ended but it turns out that that’s just not the case. I am finally going through all my stages of grief. I finally had to have a chat with my feelings and it’s not going so well. They all suck and I wish I could take back my invitation to chat!!
And I feel horrible because there have been so many of you who have reached out to me to talk and hang out and I’m shutting down. Please don’t take offense if I haven’t returned an email or a phone call. I guess it’s getting harder and harder for me to pretend that I’m ok . It’s becoming even more difficult to really sit down and deal with my sister being gone. She’s just gone. And I miss her!!! My heart aches. All I want to do is see her, talk to her, hug her, feel her presence. There are times I feel so empty. I feel like a shell of myself.
I’m so friggen angry right now! I’m angry that all this happened. I mean really? WHAT THE HELL? Our lives have been absolute crap over the past year!! My sister dies of breast cancer, I get breast cancer while my sister is dying from it. My parents had to put their lives on hold to take care of 2 sick daughters, both fighting for their lives!! What the hell is that?
And the guilt! Don’t make me even get into the guilt that consumes me EVERY DAMN DAY!! Why am I here? Why not Tracy too? She had so much more to live for. Yes I get that my life is just starting and I still have many years ahead of me but I don’t have a husband or a son that NEEDS me.
And what if my cancer comes back? Then I’ve failed! Then I’m going to have to watch my family fall apart again and know that I’m responsible for their pain and heartbreak. I’m going to be the cause of all of it!!!
This post is all whole lot of sad, sad, sad crap! I know. But I need to get it out. It’s just the tip of the ice of all the crap and turmoil that I have spinning inside me. And it makes me feel like such an imposter and a fake. I can’t tell you how often someone will tell me how strong, or amazing I am. Or what An inspiration I am to have put up such a fight and had such a great spirit about me during this whole thing. But really, I don’t feel like any of those things. I did exactly what anyone in my position would have done. I am no different from any other person who has been told they need to fight for their life. And honestly there were days even then when I didn’t want to get out of bed, or days when I was just plain miserable. There where dies when I wanted to roll over and let cancer have its nasty little way with me.
Like I said before, I was expecting things to get easier once chemo was done. But really, I am finally starting the process of healing. I’m pretty sure it’s going to take quite while. Honestly I think it’s safe to say that I will never heal 100%. But that’s ok. All the experiences in my life have made me who I am. This is just going to be one more battle wound, or mark of courage for me to display proudly…… when I’m ready.
Love, Love, Love!
Jamie's Journey 