Yesterday I headed to Dr. S’ office to have him make sure I was healing well and to have some bandages removed. In I went with my mom and nephew in tow, though he did sit in the waiting room playing his DS while we went into see my doctor.
Once in the office I was super nervous. I started to feel light headed and sick to my stomach. I was just so nervous with how things were going to look and how I was going to feel and adjust, yet again, to my ever-changing body. You know, there are actually some people out there who think that I should just focus on the bright side of all this. “Look Jamie, you’ve got bigger and better boobs that will never sag!”. Or, “Now your breasts and nipples will always be perfect and you don’t have to wear a bra!”. Now don’t get me wrong, those thoughts are helpful when you are having a really rough day and you need to find SOMETHING, hell ANYTHING to put a positive spin on the whole thing. But honestly those really aren’t positives at all. I know some women get breast augmentation, but they do it because they WANT TO! I had NO CHOICE. I HAD to do it. I loved myself the way I was and I was happy to grow old with the body god gave me. But to be forced to do something so dramatic and severe to ones body with no other options just plain sucks. So with each surgery I get it takes a few days of being able to relax and wrap my head around my body looking different again. Then it takes a few more days or even weeks to get the courage to look at those changes. And then it usually takes months to get used to the new changes and then a few more months to accept the changes and love them. So though there may be some out there who think the thoughts I’ve noted above or think, “hey you are getting closer to looking normal”, it’s just not the case. Don’t get me wrong. My doctor has done a phenomenal job! My scars are practically invisible, covered by my new nipples and aureola. My breasts look incredibly natural and feel pretty damn close to natural. But to me it will always feel different.
I have had a few people ask me what I feel now. The best way I can describe is that I feel like I have a bra on 24/7 even when I don’t. I don’t feel like I have straps on my back or shoulders but you know how your breasts feel in the cup of a bra and you kinda have the tight feeling and you can’t wait to just take your bra off so your breasts can just Be Free and Breathe! Yeah, it feels like that but I will never have that Be Free feeling again when my bra comes off. As for sensations to touch well its half and half. When certain parts of my breasts are touched I can feel it, other times it feels like someone shot me up with Novocaine and all I feel is pressure and other spots I feel nothing at all. To me that is the weirdest and suckiest part of all. I know someone is touching me but I can’t feel it. Do you have any idea how bizarre that is? So there is no, “Don’t you feel more normal now that you are completing all your surgeries?”. It’s getting used to a whole new normal. Better yet, a whole new FEELING of normal.
But I digress, back to my doctor’s appointment. So the my super awesome nurse came in to begin removing my bandages and nipple protectors. The process took a little longer and was a little more uncomfortable than it should have been because of the small complication I had after surgery. Since I bled a bit the bandages were sticking to the surgical site so it took some cutting and coaxing of the bandages before they came off. I refused to look at the final result when the bandages finally did come off. Instead I was staring intently at my mother waiting to see her reaction. That woman is a steel trap! I couldn’t read a damn thing off her face. So I squeezed her hand and asked her to tell me the truth. “They look good! They look like real nipples and your scars are practically covered. You know what they look like? It looks like you just walked out of the shower, you know what I mean?” Ha! Yeah, I know what you mean lady.
So Dr. S pops in with a big smile and asks, “Have you seen them?”. I tell him I’m not ready to look and he gives me a look and says, “WHY NOT?!?! You have really cute new nipples!!!!”. HA! You have got to love the man. So he shakes his head and starts to put some dressings and nipple protectors on me. NO!! No more! UGH!! What a pain the ass. 2 more weeks of the new bandages and protectors and then they come off for good. The good thing about these are that I can take them off to shower and I can wear a bra over them so I don’t look too much like Madonna.
So it’s one more week until I can start to work out again and 2 weeks until I’m done with bandages and my nipple protectors. Near the beginning of the summer will be when I go in for my final procedure. Dr. S will be coloring in/tattooing where he has made my aureola. Just a little bit of color or some detailing, if you will.
I’m looking forward to the completion of my Tatas. I’m slowly getting my life back and settled and adjusting to my new normal. It’s been such a long road that I often wonder how things will be once it’s over and I no longer have to think about any of this anymore until I have to go in for my twice yearly scans. I’m looking forward to it. That and my hair growing back!!
Love, Love, Love!
Jamie's Journey 