Today was a bit of a rough day here. I pretty much figured our first Holiday together as a family was going to be a tough one. But I had no idea how rough it was going to be until I was in the middle of it. And even now I’m still full of sadness and aches.
We Polish love our holidays. And they always consist of rather large meals. We like to call them Pleva feeding frenzies. One should truly be careful of getting in the way of any of us while in full feeding mode. Our feast starts with breakfast, appetizers all day and then we finish off with a large dinner and even larger selection of desserts.
In attendance this year was the parents, my sister Liza with her family, Bryce and his brother Brett and of course Jeff and Jason. Unfortunately my other sister Katie and her family couldn’t be there because she was spending the holiday w/ her husband’s family. But she did call and was nice enough to rub it in with how beautiful it was in Florida.
It was hard to watch Jeff walk through the door without Tracy right in front of him. I kind of looked at the door after he walked in half expecting Tracy would be coming through the door, her arms full of Easter goodies. Jeff wandered around the house a bit for the 1st 15 to 20 minutes. I think he was trying to get his bearings and wrap his head around it all. I found him staring out the window at one point. Just standing there, looking out into the backyard. My heart broke and I was frozen in my place. I had no idea of what to say or do. I wanted to go over and hug him but at the same time I wanted to give him his space and time. Liza saved the day and headed over to give him a hug and to tell him she loved him. It seemed to be what he needed.
We have a tradition that Liza started many years ago for us. She buys each of us a flower, the same one every year, and we say what our wish is for the beginning of spring and then we place the flower into the vase that then becomes the center piece. There were lots of wishes for new and happy beginnings, warmer days, for family and friends, etc. My wish was simple, a bit selfish, but important to me. I wished for my recovery. Basically that my last few months of chemo go well and that I am truly cured. No more cancer. EVER. Thanks! Jeff wished for better days ahead for all of us and of course Jason wished for me to have a good recovery. Kid always knows how to make me cry. A toast was said to our angel, Tracy, and the eating commenced.
Bryce and Brett had to head out after breakfast and the rest of us spent the day watching the Yankees and Tiger, playing with the kiddos, talking, hanging out, reading, napping, and in my dad’s case, cooking. But it was such a hard day. I felt like someone was missing. And there was someone missing. I had to head upstairs to my room a few times because I felt tears coming. I was crying for not having Tracy there, for Jason having to go through his first holiday without his mommy and for the pain and sadness I saw in Jeff’s eyes.
I HATE seeing him in pain. I hate even more not knowing what to say. This is a daily thing for me. Everyday I think of Jeff and want to call him. But I don’t. I freeze up. I don’t know what to say. I could call and talk about mundane stuff, just see how his day is, ask about him and Jason, but I get stage fright. So everyday I call Liza and ask if she or Katie have talked to Jeff. It’s crap and not fair of me, at all.
Anyway, dinner was eaten and dessert was devoured and soon everyone had to start heading out the door. When Jeff and I hugged good-bye I hugged him a bit tighter and a bit longer and of course told him I loved him. I’ve realized I’m not always very good with my words, but I was hoping my action(s) could show him how I was feeling and that I am thinking of him always.
So, I hope everyone had a Happy Easter today. My wish for all of you is for warmer, sunnier and better days ahead full of life, health, love and success. And I hope you hugged your loved ones a bit tighter and a bit longer and don’t forget the I love you’s.
Love, Love, Love!
Jamie's Journey 