Hello, and welcome to Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2009! I’m sure you all know that October is the designated month for Breast Cancer Awareness. During this time you will hear about and be invited to countless fundraising events, education and awareness programs, walks, bike rides and more! You will see PINK EVERYWHERE!!! Pink ribbons, pink shirts, pink hair, pink bracelets, signs, balloons, towels, mugs, flowers, and on and on and on! There will also be signs everywhere asking you to support breast cancer research and awareness by simply purchasing a shirt, blender, car, scarf, watch, etc, so that 10, 15, 30 precent of the proceeds can go to ANY NUMBER of Breast Cancer Organizations!!!
This is my first year experiencing this month as a breast cancer survivor and I’ve already had my fill. Every time I see something pink I either buy it or want to throw it. Now don’t get me wrong. I truly, with all my heart, appreciate all the breast cancer organizations out there. They have saved countless lives by simply educating women on this disease and have been vital support networks for not only the women and men fighting the disease but their family member as well.
My problem you ask? All this pink, the ribbons, the balloons, the clothes… it’s too much for me at times. Breast cancer is NOT and NEVER will be pretty! It is ugly and mean and selfish and quite frankly a god damn pain in my ass!!!!!! It takes away the people we love the most. It makes women going through the disease have to do unspeakable things to their beautiful bodies. Hell, even if you don’t have the disease, but one of the breast cancer genes you may still have to put yourself through a surgery, ELECTIVELY! NO WOMAN should EVER have to go through that. It can tear apart families. It destroys lives. It makes young women fighting this disease face their mortality way to early on in life.
I’ve spoken about my feeling before and I feel as though I have been blunt and honest. ALWAYS! That’s just me, You don’t like how raw I can be then stop reading. Perhaps you think I put just a little too much out there. TMI JAMIE! Again, STOP READING! But today I feel the need to really, really tell you how it is for ME!
I used to be pretty! Now before I go further, I know I’m going to get bombarded with emails and comments telling me how beautiful I still am and blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know, I’m still pretty. But I’m a new pretty and that I will explain later. I digress. I used to be pretty! I had long, shiny brown hair, a firm and tone little body, small yet perky and perfect breasts, and I had dreams and plans and all the time in the world to achieve them! I could slow down and enjoy the ride! Life, for me, was waiting for me to take hold of it and conquer the world.
But then I got breast cancer. F’ing breast cancer. My breasts were cut away. The tissue, my nipples, all of it, and replaced with plastic bags filled with silicone. I have an angry red line on each “breast” where my nipples should be. My ugly, angry, mutilating, beautiful, shining wound from doing battle with a nasty, disease. I HATE those scars and yet I love them. I am embarrassed by them and self-conscious of my Franken Boobs! I know the lines will fade over time and come November my amazing doctor will make me new nipples but they won’t be the same. Nothing on my body will be the same.
My hair is gone. 6 weeks out today and my hair is still gone. Eyebrows? I’ve got one hair. Eyelashes? Non-existent. Yes I know they will grow back and it takes time and Oh I’m just still so beautiful, blah, blah, blah!! Really? Spare me. Those of you who are breast cancer survivors answer me this. Did you EVER get sick of hearing all that crap? We all know it’s true and we do appreciate all the kind words and support but sometimes you just want to punch the person in the face who has been the unlucky one to say it just a little too often or at the wrong time. Yeah I get it, all the hair comes back. I’m a pretty girl. Hell, I make bald look good. But I’ve done my part, and I haven’t had my hair for 8 damn months and I would like it back, now! I want to throw my hair up in a pony tail. I want my mom, sister or niece to be able to braid my hair again. I want to feel a boy run his fingers through my hair while we snuggle on a couch or drive in the car. I’m sick of my head being cold or being too hot because I’ve worn a wig that day wanting to feel somewhat attractive again. I want to NOT have to put on my eyebrows each morning or fake eyelashes so I can feel like a woman instead of a little old man. So if this whole hair growing process could speed up I would really appreciate it! Thanks!
My period? Still gone! Hasn’t come back, YET!! What if it never comes back? What if I can’t have kids? I was BORN to be a Mommy. I really was. I want, need, must have the experience of carrying my child, giving birth and having children!! I know I have 7 happy little eggs frozen, waiting for me if I need them. But what if it doesn’t work? I will be devastated. This is what hurts me and tears me apart the most. They day my period comes back I will throw myself a party to celebrate! And If I’m able to get pregnant the natural way….. Dear Lord, let’s not even get into the way I will dote and marvel over my “miracle baby”!!!
Cancer has taken my body, my hair, possibly my ability to have children, my sense of invincibility and my sister. It has come screaming and snarling and tearing into my life wreaking havoc along the way. It has ripped apart my outside and my inside. Cancer has broken my heart countless times, kicked me when I was down and then spit on me for good measure. And I’ll tell ya, it wasn’t pretty and pink and fluffy when it did all this. Nope I didn’t see any damn ballerina tu-tu with pretty pink ribbons come floating on through.
Cancer has been ugly. I hate it! I loathe it!
So to cancer I say…. I HATE YOU!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU!! How dare you take away all that you have from me! How dare you sneak into my life like a thief in the night stealing my most prized possessions. How dare you think you have gotten the best of me. Who the hell do you think you’re screwing with? Have you not learned? Have you not been paying attention? Did you screw up and come to the wrong house? With all that you have ripped from me you will NEVER take away my fight, my spirit, my courage, my damn stubbornness to beat the crap out of you and live the life that would make my sister proud and one that will make me happy! When I die an old woman of 108 I will look back at my life and smile and think, I am one tough broad who really stuck it to you!
So, this month while you are all donating to an amazing cause, remembering the loved ones we have lost, or are attending one of many breast cancer events I ask that you do me just one favor. Look at something pink, a ribbon, a balloon, a shirt, or the breast cancer awareness bracelet that you wear (and I wear one) and say “F YOU CANCER!”
Love , Love, Love!
PS… I have recently made quite a few donations to different breast cancer events and charities and on the memo line of my checks I write “F YOU CANCER!” When I handed my check over to a woman at an event she noticed it, busted out laugh and said, “I love it and I’m with you! F YOU CANCER!”
Jamie's Journey 