This past Saturday, Feb. 20th marked Tracy’s 1 year in Heaven. I have been dreading it for some time now, not sure how I wold be able to handle the day or how I would feel. What I realized was that I didn’t feel much different that day then I have any other day. Everyday feels like Feb. 20th, 2009 to me and my family.
However, I really wanted to honor Tracy and her life on Saturday but I just didn’t know how to do that. But on Friday while out to dinner my parents and K, my mother came up with an idea. She wanted to hike Anthony’s Nose at Bear Mountain. She thought us getting out and doing some sort of adventure would be a great way celebrate the meaningfulness of Tracy’s life. So when I got home that night I made some last-minute phone calls and was able to get my sister Liza and her family to go on the hike with us. Unfortunately it was a little too last-minute for my other sister Katie and her family to make it up from MD but they were there in spirit as always.
I didn’t sleep well at all Fri into Sat. I woke up every 20 to 40 minutes and woke up at 5:08 am. Just 2 minutes before the time Tracy had passed last year. As I sat watching the clock turn to 5:10 am I couldn’t help but cry and reflect on where we had on been at that exact time last year. How, has a family, we all surrounded Tracy physically and with our love, to be there for her as she slipped away from us. Needless to say I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed for any damn hike that morning. But my mother played the guilt card and got me out of bed and the day went on, like it always has and always will.
Around 10am K and I took off in order to pick up some snacks and new hiking boots for him, while my mom and dad picked up a couple of bottles of champagne. The point was to get to the top of Anthony’s Nose, have a small picnic and toast Tracy.
At 11am we all met up at the start of the trail and away we went. It wasn’t to cold, the sun was bright and there was some snow on the trail but we had K, or Navy boy, at the front of our pack to make sure all was good. As we hiked we sang silly songs, and reminisced not only about Tracy but other memories that our family has made together.
Now I have to give credit where credit is due. K, my sister and her family and myself had a pretty easy time hiking even though the terrain was pretty rough and there was a great deal of inclines, slippery slopes to navigate and precarious rock formation to climb. My mom and pop had a bit of a rougher go of it, but man did they hang in there. At 71 and 64 my parents could hike with the best of them!!
After a few hrs we reached a beautiful ledge that over looked Bear Mtn and the river. We decided that this wold be the perfect place to snack and toast Tray. We hunkered down on the ledge and noshed on some Hummas, pitas, a garlic and herb dip and triscuits. Of course we popped the champagne bottles and toasted our beautiful and courageous Angel! We loudly proclaimed one of Tracy’s favorite ways to toast. CHEERS BIG EARS!!!
As I sat there taking in what was happening, where we were and why we were doing what we were I became overwhelmed. And I felt so close to Tray at that moment. I knew she was smiling down on us. She was so happy that we didn’t sit at home and cry and stay in bed and hide under the covers. She always felt like her disease brought us too much pain and sorrow and I’m certain that she was even more fearful that her death would do the same. And it did. But not on Saturday. On that day we celebrated the meaningfulness of her life. We celebrated her by being together, doing something together and loving each other through it all like we have always done. I feel like we made her proud. I know she smiled and I know she hugged us all very tight with her beautiful angel wings.
When we made out way back down the mountain and to our cars, mom noticed that Jeff had called. He left a VM saying that Jason wanted to go to Max’s, one of Tracy’s favorite restaurants for dinner and would like for us to go with them. So we all hopped in out cars and headed down.
As soon as I walked in the door I made a bee line for Jeff. All I could do was just hug him super tight. I held on for a good 2 minutes not wanting to let go and I kept telling him I was sorry but I just wanted to hug him. Of course he said it was ok and gave me just as wonderful a hug back. I love my brother (in-law) I really do. Jason made his way into the room and I gave that kid a massive bear hug. Of course he gave me the typical, “Aunt Jamie you’re so crazy!!”. ::sigh:: If he only knew!
Dinner at Max’s was great. The food was good, the time we had with each other was even better. I’ve been sitting here for the past week trying to figure out the best way to honor my sister and we did exactly what Tracy would have wanted and we did it right. We went out and did something TOGETHER as a family. We were able to smile and laugh at all the memories we have made and more importantly there were more smiles and laughter than tears when we talked about Tray.
I said it before and I’ll say it again. I think we made Tracy proud that day.
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Love, Love, Love!