Cheers Big Ears!

This past Saturday, Feb. 20th marked Tracy’s 1 year in Heaven.  I have been dreading it for some time now, not sure how I wold be able to handle the day or how I would feel.  What I realized was that I didn’t feel much different that day then I have any other day.  Everyday feels like Feb. 20th, 2009 to me and my family.

However, I really wanted to honor Tracy and her life on Saturday but I just didn’t know how to do that.  But on Friday while out to dinner my parents and K, my mother came up with an idea.  She wanted to hike Anthony’s Nose at Bear Mountain.  She thought us getting out and doing some sort of adventure would be a great way celebrate the meaningfulness of Tracy’s life.  So when I got home that night I made some last-minute phone calls and was able to get my sister Liza and her family to go on the hike with us.  Unfortunately it was a little too last-minute for my other sister Katie and her family to make it up from MD but they were there in spirit as always.

I didn’t sleep well at all Fri into Sat. I woke up every 20 to 40 minutes and woke up at 5:08 am.  Just 2 minutes before the time Tracy had passed last year.  As I sat watching the clock turn to 5:10 am I couldn’t help but cry and reflect on where we had on been at that exact time last year.  How, has a family, we all surrounded Tracy physically and with our love, to be there for her as she slipped away from us.  Needless to say I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed for any damn hike that morning.  But my mother played the guilt card and got me out of bed and the day went on, like it always has and always will.

Around 10am K and I took off in order to pick up some snacks and new hiking boots for him, while my mom and dad picked up a couple of bottles of champagne. The point was to get to the top of Anthony’s Nose, have a small picnic and toast Tracy.

At 11am we all met up at the start of the trail and away we went.  It wasn’t to cold, the sun was bright and there was some snow on the trail but we had K, or Navy boy, at the front of our pack to make sure all was good.  As we hiked we sang silly songs, and reminisced not only about Tracy but other memories that our family has made together.

Now I have to give credit where credit is due.  K, my sister and her family and myself had a pretty easy time hiking even though the terrain was pretty rough and there was a great deal of inclines, slippery slopes to navigate and precarious rock formation to climb.  My mom and pop had a bit of a rougher go of it, but man did they hang in there.  At 71  and 64 my parents could hike with the best of them!!

After a few hrs we reached a beautiful ledge that over looked Bear Mtn and the river.  We decided that this wold be the perfect place to snack and toast Tray.  We hunkered down on the ledge and noshed on some Hummas, pitas, a garlic and herb dip and triscuits.  Of course we popped the champagne bottles and toasted our beautiful and courageous Angel!  We loudly proclaimed one of Tracy’s favorite ways to toast. CHEERS BIG EARS!!!

As I sat there taking in what was happening, where we were and why we were doing what we were I became overwhelmed.  And I felt so close to Tray at that moment.  I knew she was smiling down on us.  She was so happy that we didn’t sit at home and cry and stay in bed and hide under the covers.  She always felt like her disease brought us too much pain and sorrow and I’m certain that she was even more fearful that her death would do the same.  And it did.  But not on Saturday.  On that day we celebrated the meaningfulness of her life.  We celebrated her by being together, doing something together and loving each other through it all like we have always done.  I feel like we made her proud. I know she smiled and I know she hugged us all very tight with her beautiful angel wings.

When we made out way back down the mountain and to our cars, mom noticed that Jeff had called.  He left a VM saying that Jason wanted to go to Max’s, one of Tracy’s favorite restaurants for dinner and would like for us to go with them.  So we all hopped in out cars and headed down.

As soon as I walked in the door I made a bee line for Jeff.  All I could do was just hug him super tight.  I held on for a good 2 minutes not wanting to let go and I kept telling him I was sorry but I just wanted to hug him.  Of course he said it was ok and gave me just as wonderful a hug back.  I love my brother (in-law) I really do.  Jason made his way into the room and I gave that kid a massive bear hug.  Of course he gave me the typical, “Aunt Jamie you’re so crazy!!”.  ::sigh:: If he only knew!

Dinner at Max’s was great.  The food was good, the time we had with each other was even better.  I’ve been sitting here for the past week trying to figure out the best way to honor my sister and we did exactly what Tracy would have wanted and we did it right.  We went out and did something TOGETHER as a family. We were able to smile and laugh at all the memories we have made and more importantly there were more smiles and laughter than tears when we talked about Tray.

I said it before and I’ll say it again.  I think we made Tracy proud that day.

You can also click here for more pictures!

Love, Love, Love!

Dear Tracy…..

Dear Tracy,

Do you have any idea how much I miss you? You must.  I find myself talking to you throughout my days.  I ask for you to keep me strong and to keep me safe.  I ask you to get me a really good parking spot at the mall or to make sure that the cop totally didn’t notice me driving and talking my phone.  Ah yes, I talk to you and ask for help on the really important things.  I know.

I can’t believe it’s been a full year since you left us.  It still feels so new, so fresh and raw.  I feel as though my heart hasn’t healed at all.  But it really has been a full year.  A year without your blue eyes, your silly, loud laugh, your oh so charming sarcasm, your hugs, your voice, you!

Perhaps the pain will lessen over time. There will be fewer tears shed when I think of you or talk about you and in time I will laugh and smile more when I hear “Tracy stories” or see your picture.  But it’s hard.  I know I don’t want to spend my time crying over losing you because my tears won’t bring you back or keep you “alive”.  Only my memories of you and so many other memories of you, and smiling just thinking of you will keep you “alive”.

You mean so much to me, my very best friend.  I’m trying so hard to make you proud, to carry on your fight, to help make a difference and to pick up all the work that still needs to be done where you left off.

My Guardian Angel, stay close, keep me strong and don’t forget me of how very much I love you, my big sister!

Love, Love, Love!

Jamie

WANTED: Guest Bloggers

I have been trying to think of a way to honor my sister properly but no one idea that I come up with just doesn’t seem to do her or her legacy justice.  So I’ve decided that I may have to do a few things.

One thing that I want to do is have a guest blogger once a week.  Tracy, and myself, very much want(ed) to give a voice to young woman with breast cancer.  She wanted to make sure that they never felt alone and also that they felt HEARD.

So, if you are a survivor of any form of cancer, a family member, caregiver, friend, family friend, friend of a friend, or a complete stranger just passing through and came across this blog and you want to be a guest blogger please let me know.  You can tell your story, tell someone elses  story, pay tribute to or honor someone, vent, cry, bitch, write a happy blog or a sad one, write a poem or just share some words of encouragement or wisdom. Just write something!  Tracy always told me that she found writing very cathartic and I completely agree with her.  Sometimes just writing something and putting it out there for the universe or for all to see can feel like letting go of a huge burden. You don’t need to sign your name, it can be anonymous. Again, JUST WRITE!

You can leave me a comment here or email me at JEPleva@aol.com and I will contact you to arrange having your words posted to my blog.

Cancer sucks!  It has silenced way to many voices, both young and old.  But for now it hasn’t silenced mine, clearly, nor any of yours!

Love, Love, Love!!

Today I Remember Randi…

During yesterday’s early morning hours another amazing and beautiful young woman was lost to breast cancer.  You can read about Randi here and here.

Randi was a good friend to not only Tracy but to me as well.  She was incredibly supportive, beautiful, strong, and a source of inspiration to countless other women battling this horrific disease. She was a mother, a daughter, a life partner, a friend and a young woman whose life was just cut to damn short.  I will always remember her feisty spirit, her larger than life smile and all the good that she has done for so many. She will be missed greatly!

Another star in the sky and another Angel to have on my side.

Please say prayers for Randi, her partner Matt and your gorgeous young daughter.

All of this comes just days before I must remember my own sister on her day.

Love, Love, Love!

A Round-Up and then Some…

So yesterday I had a couple fo doctors appts I had to cross off my list and this is basically the info that was gathered from both appts.

Fertility Doctor – So even though I am still just 6 months out of chemo I still haven’t had my period return.  This is pretty normal and it can take a year and even longer before it returns, if ever.  But I’m a crazy, psycho who has had this weighing heavily on my mind for a few months now and the desire to be able to have children of my own is so great that I really wanted to see my fertility doctor to chat with him and see what kind of tests I could take.  First let me tell you that Dr. K is KICK ASS!! He is super kind, very intelligent and even though he’s very honest and straight forward he is also optimistic and hopeful.

Basically he told me that it would be crazy for me to have a hormone test done because my hormones have obviously not fully returned yet so all it would show is just that and I would get upset.  But he did say that he could do an internal ultra sound to look at my ovaries and see how they looked.  They could be hard to find, very small and shriveled with no follicles at all.  Basically look like ovaries that have gone through menopause, or they could look, large, easy to find, totally healthy with lots of follicles/egg or anywhere in between.  So I freaked out a bit. I mean, did I really want to see shriveled up “dead” ovaries that would depress me and make me feel like shit? Or do I take the chance that they may actually look ok?  So I took the chance and told him to do the ultra sound.  As I sat in the room waiting for him I had a panic attack.  My mother hugged me and tried to comfort me and remind me that there was no guarantee and that no matter what my ovaries could always improve, I’ll be fine and that I have 7 happy little eggs in the deep freeze just waiting should I need them.  ::deep breathe::  So in comes Dr.K and his nurse and he begins the US.  BTW, can I just tell you how unpleasant these internal ultra sounds are? Men, you have it so damn easy! Truly you do.  Basically what the good Dr does it take a dildo with a camera on the end of it, covers it with a condom, puts a huge glob of lube and it and then inserts it into the vagina.  Ok wait, not over.  First he gets a good look at my uterus. All looks good. The lining was thin, of course cause I haven’t had my period but otherwise it’s a healthy looking uterus.  Now he proceeds to maneuver, twist, and rotate that damn probe all the way to my right to get a good look at my right ovary.  ::OUCH::  After a few uncomfortable moves he finds my right ovary.  WOO HOO!! He found it.  Then he made his way to the other side and found my left ovary!! And what he saw is that my ovaries are larger than what a woman’s ovaries would look like if she had gone through menopause and he even saw some very, very small black spots in them which he believes to be follicles.  Yes, tiny little immature eggs are still residing in my ovaries.

Now honestly this is good news.  But it does not give me a definite answer on if I those eggs will ever mature, if I’ll ever get my period back and if they eggs do mature, will I even be able to get pregnant with them.  That my dears, will we only know in time.  So I walked out of there with no definite answers which I pretty much knew was going to happen when I walked in there. However the one shiny star was that my ovaries look pretty healthy, and there are small follicles.  Everything in that area is very quiet and still sleepy.  I guess I can’t really be surprised.  They got a major shock of chemo so they are going to be sluggish.  But I do hope they wake up soon and bounce back into action.  I’m really happy that I planned ahead and froze some eggs, but I also hope that I will never need them.

On a side not, he also didn’t notice any masses on my ovaries.  Sweet!

Plastic Surgeon – Later in the afternoon I had a visit with my AMAZING and SUPER TALENTED plastic surgeon, Dr. Salzberg.  Can you tell that I love this man?  He has been so great to me and just treats his patients with so much care and compassion.  Anyway, my visit with Dr. S was to check out how well my incision was healing from my last surgery and to schedule my next one.  The next procedure will be to put my nipple on.  HA!! I laugh just thinking about that.  I’m getting nipples.  Basically he will be using some of my skin and alloderm to make me 2 new nipples.  The procedure is on Monday, March 29th (K’s bday! I’m sorry!) at Tarrytown Hospital.  It will be about 2 hrs long and I will have local anesthesia.  Woo Hoo!! After I heal from that procedure I will have my areolas tattooed on.  Oh the wonderful world of breast cancer and ALL it fabulous surgeries. Jealous yet? Don’t be!

Oh, Dr.S is also very sympathetic to frustrations with my eyebrows and eyelashes taking their sweet time to grow in so he wrote me a RX for Latisse! Woo Hoo!! I can just use a little bit of it to just help promote the hair to grow and I’m really looking forward to it.  However, did you know it costs $100! Dear Lord!! Oh well.

Then Some – My mom and I also had lunch with my sister Liza yesterday in between my Drs appts.  Lunch was yummy and conversation was good but lets be honest here, it is the month of February so of course our conversation went to Tracy and the anniversary of her death looming over us like a HUGE, black cloud.  I spent most of lunch listening to Liza and my mom talk.  Kinda just taking in some of the things she was saying, feeling and venting about.  And later on it got me thinking.

Liza said that she looks back on the winter of 08-09 and is utterly amazed at how the hell we got through it.  None of us went crazy, or needed to be drugged or was overly dramatic.  We just “got through it”.  But today I’m looking back and I’m trying to figure out, HOW THE HELL DID WE DO THAT?  Tracy was thrown into the ICU and though we had some moments of feeling like she was going to win her battle again she was actually dyeing from cancer. I was told I had cancer. I had to have a major surgery. I had to have my egg retrieval the day of my sisters, wake and one week later I began chemo.  My parents had a dyeing daughter and a sick daughter to care for at the same time.  My sisters have their own families to support.  And my brother-in-law was losing his very best friend and my nephew was losing his mommy.

Now I know that many women and man out there have their own heart breaking and crazy stories about when they were dx and I can appreciate that.  But looking back at my dx and all that came with it and was going on during it I can honestly say that I am flabbergasted.  How the hell did I not end up somewhere with an empty pill bottle?  I mean last winter was absolute shit!  And like Liza I have no firggen idea how we survived.

By no means are any of us over it. By no means are we all happy and better.  I think we are all hanging by a thread quite honestly.  We are holding one another together trying to crawl through all the muck.  Our knees are scrapped and bleeding and our hands are calloused and torn and yet we still keep crawling, trying to survive.

And now the 20th of February is upon us.  It’s a date that will forever be etched into my heart with a rusty piece of metal.  And I’ve been siting here trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to “get through it”, again.  I haven’t slept in over a year but now more than ever I don’t sleep.  The nightmares are several times a night, and lately I’ve spent my days in my pajamas, in bed with the covers over head thinking that I can just hide from it.  But I think we all know that’s bullshit.  I’m surprised I have any tears left with how often and how much I cry and the panic attacks that I rarely used to get seem to be a common occurence.

I have no idea how we survived last years pain and heartbreak and I have no idea how we will do it again this year.  I just know that we will do it together.

Love, Love, Love!