It has been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment. That’s 4 Friday’s where I didn’t have to get up really early and head down to my Oncologist’s office, get stuck with a needle, and sit in the infusion room for 6 hours while my life saving poison raced trough my veins seeking out any rogue cancer cells to destroy. For the past 4 weeks I have felt my energy level slowly rise. I have been able to do some light hiking, swimming and have even been able to hit the park to kick around a ball. ::sigh:: I’ve missed that!! I’ve also seen some hair growth, I’m able to count 3 tiny and small eyelashes beginning to grow and 1 eyebrow hair. My nails are starting to go back to normal and the sallow color of my skin is now giving way to Nicole Kidman porcelain white. Better known as pasty!
So physically I am slowly going back to my normal self. However, mentally I have started the process of falling a part. I have begun to feel some of the most intense emotions that I have EVER felt in my entire life. My feeling s are so extreme that they are beginning to scare me and make me wonder if I’ll ever see the other side of this darkness. My dear friend Katie said it best, “Jamie, you have basically been going through the motions of living your life for the past 10 months. You took all your emotions and locked them away in a box and went into survival mode. Now that you don’t need to be strong everything you locked away is finally being released.” And how!!
I’m not just sad, I’m depressed. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. I literally have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, get dressed and even eat on some days. There are moments when out of nowhere I will lose it. Just plain start sobbing hysterically. And then moments later it’s over. Then there are times when I’ll just sit and cry quietly for an hour. I can be reading a book, driving in the car, laying in bed and I’ll just stare at nothing and cry.
And much like the extreme sadness I feel the anger I feel is no small blip. It’s not just being mad or angry, it’s flat out rage!! Rage that I can feel boiling in my stomach and infesting my chest giving me sharp pains. All I want to do it take a bat to someone or something. I have never felt this type of anger in my life and quite honestly it scares the crap out of me. Perhaps this is the blinding rage that people feel just before they snap. And if that’s the case then I hope I work through this feeling as quickly as possible.
As for sleeping. It doesn’t really happen. I haven’t had a full nights sleep since the beginning of November. I either stay up all night and then fall asleep around 5 and wake up at 8, or I sleep a few hours here and there during the night all the while tossing and turning, or I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and wake up either crying or screaming because of some rotten nightmare I’m having. The nightmares are the worst. They all seem so real that often times I wake up and feel like the event actually happened. One time I had a dream that rocked me for days. I woke up feeling like Tracy was mad at me and I couldn’t shake the feeling for a week! Then I got mad at her for being angry at me. It’s amazing the emotions and turmoil one goes through when their world has been shattered and turned upside down for nearly a year!
So, now that I am no longer in survival mode all these emotions have decided that it’s totally cool for them to come flooding out and pretty much knock me on my ass. I am finally crying about being told I had breast cancer, my sister passing away, having people who I thought were my friends show me how much their really not and over a broken heart.
I thought things would get easier once chemo ended but it turns out that that’s just not the case. I am finally going through all my stages of grief. I finally had to have a chat with my feelings and it’s not going so well. They all suck and I wish I could take back my invitation to chat!!
And I feel horrible because there have been so many of you who have reached out to me to talk and hang out and I’m shutting down. Please don’t take offense if I haven’t returned an email or a phone call. I guess it’s getting harder and harder for me to pretend that I’m ok . It’s becoming even more difficult to really sit down and deal with my sister being gone. She’s just gone. And I miss her!!! My heart aches. All I want to do is see her, talk to her, hug her, feel her presence. There are times I feel so empty. I feel like a shell of myself.
I’m so friggen angry right now! I’m angry that all this happened. I mean really? WHAT THE HELL? Our lives have been absolute crap over the past year!! My sister dies of breast cancer, I get breast cancer while my sister is dying from it. My parents had to put their lives on hold to take care of 2 sick daughters, both fighting for their lives!! What the hell is that?
And the guilt! Don’t make me even get into the guilt that consumes me EVERY DAMN DAY!! Why am I here? Why not Tracy too? She had so much more to live for. Yes I get that my life is just starting and I still have many years ahead of me but I don’t have a husband or a son that NEEDS me.
And what if my cancer comes back? Then I’ve failed! Then I’m going to have to watch my family fall apart again and know that I’m responsible for their pain and heartbreak. I’m going to be the cause of all of it!!!
This post is all whole lot of sad, sad, sad crap! I know. But I need to get it out. It’s just the tip of the ice of all the crap and turmoil that I have spinning inside me. And it makes me feel like such an imposter and a fake. I can’t tell you how often someone will tell me how strong, or amazing I am. Or what An inspiration I am to have put up such a fight and had such a great spirit about me during this whole thing. But really, I don’t feel like any of those things. I did exactly what anyone in my position would have done. I am no different from any other person who has been told they need to fight for their life. And honestly there were days even then when I didn’t want to get out of bed, or days when I was just plain miserable. There where dies when I wanted to roll over and let cancer have its nasty little way with me.
Like I said before, I was expecting things to get easier once chemo was done. But really, I am finally starting the process of healing. I’m pretty sure it’s going to take quite while. Honestly I think it’s safe to say that I will never heal 100%. But that’s ok. All the experiences in my life have made me who I am. This is just going to be one more battle wound, or mark of courage for me to display proudly…… when I’m ready.
Love, Love, Love!
Jamie's Journey 
Jamie!
You said it all so beautifully. I remember a time when I felt exactly the same way. I did not have as much to be angry about because both my sisters were fine and there to help me whenever I needed them. But I felt the same way you did. Done with surgery and chemo and wanting my life back to what it was before and that was not going to happen. Cancer changed me. Chemo changed me. I did not feel strong and inspiring and beautiful. I felt weak, angry and ugly. I wanted to huddle in a corner and hide and not let the cancer get me anymore. I honestly felt like I was in a horror flick where the monster would not stop chasing me and perhaps if I hid really, really well, cancer would not see me. I realized though that it would get me either way, if I lived my life and tried to get stuff accomplished (not important stuff at first, just go through the motion stuff) or if I hid in the corner. Either way, if it was my destiny to die of breast cancer, it was going to get me and gradually I became comfortable with the fact that I would have to give cancer a run for it’s money. That I would fight the fight to gain a new normal (not at all like the old normal, not better, not worse, just different). I learned later that this phenomena you are feeling is totally normal. We all feel it and you probably feel it so much more, because your world was shattered with the loss of your sister. But she does need you to stay strong for everyone she left behind. I know, you are thinking, that’s not fair either and you are right. It’s not fair. To quote a friend of mine. “Life is not fair. Wear a helmet.” Sorry, bad joke. Seriously though, know that all you are feeling is right and sucky and wrong and totally, totally normal. It’s a process that most survivors suffer through. We do come out the other end though. I know you will do it. I read your quote of the day on facebook and I know you will come out the other end and give cancer a mean fight. You will scare the shit out of cancer.
I wish Tracy were here. I miss her so much. I grieve for her as I work through some other shit in my life. It is so not the same. She was not my sister. She was an amazing woman that so many survivors loved and we all wanted her to fight to the end. We all wanted to dance with her not for her. She would be so proud of you. She might not admit it though. I could not be with her and keep a straight face. I will always miss her and the easy way she made us all laugh. We laughed at cancer. Cancer is not pink. It is not pretty. It is mean and ugly and it makes me angry. Angry enough to stay here and kick it’s ass. Are you with me? Are you the first heroine to dodge the monster in the horror film…you know the one whose instincts keep you safe til the end of the movie? I think you are. You aren’t that ninny who goes into the dark room only to get eaten right away. The cancer monster wont kick you. Get up and give it a good run for it’s money. Wear the helmet if you like, cuz you will look silly and we can all laugh a little at you.
I love you and I am here to listen and tell you that you are feeling such normal feelings. I wish I could make them go away, but that would deny you the end result, which I am certain you will see was necessary to move on and up and over. Know that I did and you will too.
all my love,
Joy
Jamie princess, you fought so hard for the last year that I can’t even imagine how long the line of gremlins is waiting outside your door. They’re awful and horrible and PISSED because normally they can bother somebody right away and you’ve jammed shut the door for a year. And so now they’re impatient. They’re not waiting in line, they’re all pushing in the door at once.
Our office’s swine flu panic includes Purell bottles everywhere. I used it last week and all of a sudden the smell took me right to the double doors in the ICU. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I wanted to run, and I happened to be in the hallway facing an extremely confused boss. It was a very small gremlin moment.
Right now you’ve got a giant mob of gremlins and you’re knocking them down, one by one, just by dealing with them in every crying fit, every rotten day. Every gremlin day you face shows them all right, I’ll be sad right now and this is awful, but I’m going to be present in it, I’m going to feel this, and it’s not going to be the end of me. I’m still going to win, body and mind.
Love so much and hugs even bigger.
Just wanted to tell you that you ARE brave and amazing. These feelings don’t take away from that- they enhance that. You are a human being with every right to feel angry and sad and depressed. You are not a robot. Everyone is still rooting you on. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up for feeling down. It is definitely part of the process. You are still my hero.
XOXO,
Lindsey
Jamie, I met you when you had just been through your breast surgery and were soon to start chemo. You heard my friend and I talking about Force on the way out of Dr. S’s office and you popped right in and introduced yourself. You literally grabbed my hand to take me into his office and do a show and tell to make me feel better about what I was about to go through. I only met you once, yet it’s so obvious that you are someone who doesn’t think twice about putting herself aside and reaching out to help someone else, that’s what you’re about.
I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re going through. There are no good words to say, you have every right to your feelings. You have been through hell this year, I’ve followed your blog (as I’ve told you, you’re also a very moving, and clever, writer). I know you have many friends and family members to turn to, but if you ever need to vent with someone who is actually not closely connected to your life, please reach out to me anytime. Or else just know you have fans out here who have been inspired by you and who can tell you’re wonderful.
Yours,
Andrea (AndiBaby on Force)
Jamie,
You are amazing!!! YOu truly are I dont know anyone else as strong as you and I can only imagine how you are feeling right now, and I am sorry I havent always physically been there over the past months, but I want you to know through thick and thin like we always said I will always be there for you whenever you need me. You are beautiful and have overcome something so incredible and in time it will all get better. Love you tons!!!
Hi Jamie,
I was reading your blog, the whole time thinking is this me?!? (I was diagnosed Oct. 11, 2008.) I so relate to many of your posts, the “you’re an inspiration,” the sleeplessness, the feeling “lost” after all your treatment is over. Thanks for putting in to words what I’m sure a lot of us survivors are feeling.
Cat