August 2, 2009 – Jamie's Journey

Once again I have slacked on blogging and I do apologize. I was going to write an update this week but I got quite a few emails over the past few days asking why I haven’t posted and to make sure all is ok. So I figured I would take time on this rainy Sunday to blog away. I apologize for the delay and I hope I’m forgiven. 🙂

So I am now down to 2 chemos. Yes you read that right. I only have 2 more chemo treatments left and then I’m DONE!! No more chemo, no more cancer, no more feeling like poop, no more being exhausted from a walk to the bathroom. I’m not quite sure how to put into words just how elated I am about this. The thought that in just 3 short weeks I will be done with this part of my life has me so ecstatic that one minute I’m crying form the sheer joy of it to randomly doing happy dances all over the place. Just the other day I was sitting in the waiting room at a dr’s appt when “2 more chemos” came to mind and I busted out with a happy dance in my chair. A couple of people gave me an odd look, of course, but all I did was smile and say, “It’s a good day!”.

Now things haven’t been easy for me the past few weeks. The fingers on my right hand have swollen and hurt so writing and even typing has become a pain. My thrush is back but I’m hoping it doesn’t turn into Black Hairy Tongue this time. I’ve also been incredibly low on energy and this bothers me to no end. I hate feeling exhausted all the time. I’m not used to it. I’m an active girl with boundless amounts of energy but chemo has taken that away, for now. I also had to have a biopsy last week. I seem to have a rash along my spine and since my oncologist wasn’t sure what it was he sent me to a Dermo who took a biopsy and then stitched me up. So I have 3 or 4 stitches in my back. I’m telling you I’m acquiring some sexy scars. Thank god I have such a pretty face, a rock’n bod and a sparkling personality to boot. Oh and I’m very modest. LOL! I should be getting the results to the biopsy next week.

Last week I went to Mohonk Mtn House with my sister Liza and her kiddos, Lily and Rowan. MMH is absolutely beautiful and I highly recommend a weekend get away there for lovers of nature and adventure. There was hiking, kayaking, horseback riding, swimming, campfires and even a spa! Lily and Ro rode horses for the first time and they did amazing. Rowan looked so little on his horse but wasn’t afraid at all and Lily was a pro. She showed no fear taking control of her horse anytime he felt like stopping for a snack on the trail. It was so cool to be a part of that. We also did some hiking and rock scrambling. By far the coolest thing was the rock scrambling. It was 45 minutes of climbing up rocks, through rocks, crawling through tunnels and climbing up ladders. I had to stop to take a few breaks but I wasn’t going to not finish it. Lils and Ro were so patient with me. They made sure to go slow and called out when we hit a new obstacle yelling out helpful tips for me. And they were also my biggest cheerleaders telling me that I could do it and I’m tough and strong and “look what you did Aunt Jamie, you’re doing better then other people and you had chemo yesterday!” Aren’t they great?

When we finally got to the very top of the mountain I started to cry a bit. I was just so overwhelmed with emotions. It felt like the scramble/hike that I just did was a metaphor to my fight with cancer. To look down and see how far I had come and that no matter how much it hurt and how tired I got I pushed on. It gave me a whole new appreciation of not only for myself but for other people who battle cancer on a daily basis. Many times I have fallen victim to beating myself up and telling myself that I should be able to fight cancer, live my life to the fullest, and find a job. I constantly feel like I should be doing more and if I’m not then I’m failing. But I’ve realized that I’m doing a hell of a lot. So what if some things take me a bit longer then others. So what if I’ve had a bit of a tough journey thus far in my life. I wouldn’t trade one part of it. Sounds crazy right? But all that I have been through, be it cancer, losing my sister, tough relationships, and difficulty with getting into my career, has made me the person I am today. And quiet honestly I think I’m pretty great. (Again with my modesty.)

If everything in life was handed to me or made easy for me I would never be able to appreciate and enjoy all the amazing little moments and really love all the momentous ones. If I hadn’t ever been through a hard time then I probably would have cracked and not known how to cope or look for help when I truly needed it. Plus I probably would have missed out on some major life lessons that have made me a more loving, compassionate and even a passionate person.

My life has been messy, and not just the past 10 months. A major chunk of my life really has been messy and jumbled and sometimes a little out of control. But it has been a beautiful life thus far. One that has taught me not only that there are times when I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride but it’s taught me even more about myself. I really am strong. And my determination to reach my goals is even stronger. Cancer has almost been like somebody who has doubted me. Someone who has told me that I will never achieve my dreams of marriage, family, a successful career, and a long happy life. And of those that know me know how I handle people who doubt me. I do all that I can to prove them wrong, stick it to them and then take GREAT satisfaction in it.

So cancer is my biggest critic, my rival and “someone” who just doesn’t believe in me. Cancer has offered up a challenge to me. And I gladly accept. I feel bad. It really isn’t going to be a fair fight.